It seems that, as cliche` as it sounds, I am always left wondering "if only...". After thinking just that when reading the last post by Damacus, I felt it was appropriate to write about it.
If only I could write to the same standard as Damacus. Not to take anything away from Crucible Tongs, Mysterious Follower, or Annahyde, who are all fantastic writers, but Damacus never fails to impress me on paper or in person with his vocabulary and general qualities of a genius; if girls don't flock around him at university then there is something seriously wrong. His last amazing post of the poem makes me crave the ability to be so creative, when all I can do is sit back and write cliche` posts about things that I cannot do. Damacus; I am forever jealous of you.
If only people were interested in what I post, not only on this blog, but on my other. I wish that I had even one follower on my other blog instead of having to shamelessly plug it on this successful blog by telling you that the web address is http://lieutenantrenji.blogspot.com/ and hoping that you will click on it even though I have only posted once on it so far. One day I hope that my own blog has something worth reading on it. Writing about my sub-par blog has inspired me to post something on it when I finish this.
If only I made some sort of effort in my year twelve studies. The end result was adequate; my ENTER enabled me to enrol in the course that I was aiming for, but I was still disappointed. My lack of input into my studies for most of VCE should have resulted in a score much lower than what I managed to get, so I guess I should be thankful that I am naturally smart enough to get high 80's without working for it, but I am not happy. Exams aside, I probably did about one hour of homework and study at home per fortnight; during the exam period I studied for English by brainstorming topics for about twenty minutes per night which I thought was enough, but apparently most people did more. Before VCE, I had never studied for an exam in my entire schooling life and I had managed to maintain a high quality of work, but according to my ENTER score, I am only smarter than 88.55% of the state. I shouldn't complain, that was what my amount of effort deserved, but if I had worked hard in class and studied at home, I could have done so much better. I wanted to badly to be in the top 10% of Victoria; not many people can say that. It's over now, so I can't complain; it was my own fault, but of course, I cant help but think of what could have happened.
If only I had more self control. If I could sit on the computer without getting up to eat the fatty food in the fridge that I do not actually feel like eating, I would probably be underweight, but that means I would be able to enjoy more of my dinners that I actually DO like; I could have seconds before feeling too full. I could say no to sex while my sister is home instead of being too weak to resist even with the risk of her walking in on us. To refer to the last paragraph, I could have studied more instead of sitting in front of the television, or wasting time on the computer. Self control would come in really handy this year at university.
If only I had more money. I would be able to afford a bigger bed, better birthday presents for my friends, better food when I go out, more alcohol when I go out, the list is endless. I need more money for so many different reasons.
If only I was great at something; not good, great. Seeing "So You Think You Can Dance" or watching sport on tv irritates me because as a child I was not forced into sporting clubs, music lessons, or some sort of dance class. I can play sport, I am not uncoordinated or clumsy; I can pick up dance steps for plays that I have been in; I am able to sing without making ear drums bleed for musicals that I have been cast in; but I am not great at any of these things. I have no interesting talents and I am jealous of everyone who is great at something or has something that they are known for. I have a friend who is great at basketball, a friend who is a great swimmer, a friend who is great at netball, a frind who is a great dancer, a friend who is great at rowing, a friend who is great at drawing, and the list goes on. Do you know what I am known for? I am not the basketballer, nor the rower or the swimmer, I am the one who likes sex; not even the one who is 'great at sex', apparently I just like it. Well, I suppose only a few people would be able to testify to any abilities of mine in that field, but I would still like to be known as 'great' at something. Sadly, I am too old to begin practicing someting, so I will forever be good at a few things, mediocre at a few things, and great at nothing. What if I was kidnapped and commanded to entertain someone with some amazing talent; I wouldn't be able to. Think about it; would you like to be shot for not being amazing at something? I wouldn't.
There are many things that make me wonder what could have been if only I had *blank*, but I guess I will never know. I hope that any one of my 'if only' wishes will one day be a reality. I have just realised that this post was entirely about me and completely irrelivant to the outside world, but I don't want all my writing time to be a waste so I am posting it anyway. Thanks for reading.
-Renji
2 comments:
Seriously, thanks for posting this, I was terrified I'd have more evidence of my declining capability to write.
Damacus?!? Girls?!? yeah, maybe if he'd shut up for a second and let them introduce themselves...
Effort in VCE? Get screwed, why would anyone bother? I swear by the time exams came around I was disgusted with people. It was just abhorrent that they'd just bow down before an 'organisation' that just considers them numbers. Actually I think that's what stopped me studying. The world has enough mindless bastards who think pointless knowledge like that means so much, no wonder the world's screwed over so bad. I'm almost convinced ENTER is just a ranking of subservience...
... I know where you're coming from with talent though. It's one of those situations where you have no reason to try, because either way, you'll be good 'enough', people will still dish out praise they've got no place offering it's not like you'll ever be shunned by anyone else. You're in that position where it seems like only you can see your own failure. But the thing is, sure you failed in your own eyes and as moronically cliched as it sounds, just do better next time. Other people aren't going to tell you where you screwed up, it's easier for them to just smile and nod. That's why to get better you've got to see what you're doing wrong, age has nothing to do with improvement either, if people were willing they could master almost anything in a month. Sure, you'll definitely screw up, anyone with half a brain's terrified of that. But you've screwed up bad when you're not better next time. It's funny how the individual is their own worst enemy. I mean, we all know all our shortcomings and failures, so why the hell not use it to see what you're doing wrong.
I hate giving advice because it just sounds so pretentious, but I've always thought, sure I do hate myself today, I'll probably still hate myself tomorrow, so all I can do is work towards being better for that one day when I've finally satisfied myself.
Oh and linking to your blog, I'm so stealing that...
Ahh yes, the talent thing links back to the self control think. I have no will power to actually get up an practice anything. I know it is my own fault but if I can't complain on a blog, where can I complain? Although I will try to take your advice into consideration next time I suck at something.
I also think it was terribly sad to link to my own blog, but I may as well shamelessly plug my other outlet for ranting.
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