Not For Soft Cocks

The transistion from high school to university is terrifying for many, exciting for most, and fun for those who attended Monash O-Week. Full of parties, useless free things, useful free food, groups to join, and shows to see, Monash O-Week is quite a good week. I am sure that the other universities have experiences that are just as good, but I have only been to Monash so that is what I can talk about.

It seems to be, as Damacus pointed out, O-Week week on D.I.D a Mess so instead of thinking of a much more interesting and individual topic to write about, I thought I may aswell attempt to find an interesting way to talk about orientation. If the movie 'Grease' has taught us anything, it is that it is better to conform to the 'cool kids' than be different; that's how you get the guy, or the girl in the much less amusing 'Grease 2'.


There are many parties going on this week. I was lucky enough to attend the MESS and SAS joined venture of the Room Beach Party after a night of being sweaty in the pit of All Time Low. They played Remembering Sunday and I nearly cried, but they did not play Shameless, my favourite, but it was still an amazing night. This is not the point so I will move back to the fun that was to be had at Room. Lots of dancing and people sucking face were the two most frequent occurences of the night, while there was no bull fighting or ice hockey to be seen; bit of a shame really.


I have never seen so much free food in my entire life. MSS was giving away donuts, the Biomed team were serving tacos, there were endless BBQs on the lawns, and there was a Windows 7 booth giving away pocorn. There was a condition, however, on the delicious popcorn; we had to become a fan of a page on facebook about winning a share house. These people disgust me; they are giving away food not out of the kindness of their hearts, nor are they providing it in the spirit of O-Week, but they are selfishly promoting their business. I became a fan and took the popcorn anyway of course.


I was delighted to attend the MUST performanceof Neckbite, a show which laughs in the face of such vampire-iffic stories as Twilight and True Blood. There was live music, people showing off on the trampoline, and a magician walking around asking us to pick a card. Are these people simply enjoying what they do? Are they just having fun? Or are they letting everyone know that they are awesome at something that we would have to learn. "Come talk to us and we can teach you to be talented!" If only I could do double back flips on the trampoline or sing like the protagonist in Neckbite.

"Join our group! We have the best parties all year." I heard this echoing from many stalls as I meandered past, looking vaguely at the white tents full of attention grabbing photo boards and free shirts on display. The names of these societies are often just for show, as many people joined groups outside their faculty. I am studying arts/science and not only did I join MSS (Monash Science Society) and SAS (Society of Arts Students), but I also joined MESS (Monash Engineering Students' society. I joined SCA (the Society for Creative Anachronism) and a few others that have names that I cannot remember, while I almost joined AMICI (the Italian club), the Shakespeare company, and MUST (Monash University Student Theatre). The endless groups have no criteria for members which is perfect for me since I am pretty useless and of course, do not study engineering. The faculty groups have nothing to do with their names; the only thing they want to be known for is the social and fun side. As MSS likes to say; "we have the biggest balls". I love anything that can be misconstrued as sexual.

The groups also offer a range of free things. SAS provided their members with a tshirt, a frisbee, a shotglass, a bottle opener, condoms, tattoos, and food vouchers, while MSS had only a tshirt. MESS had an impressive collection of sunglasses, a bottle opener, sweat bands for both your head and wrist, and a tshirt. Outside of the groups, I managed to get my hands on funny word fridge magnets, more bottle openers, stress balls, beach balls, and of course condoms; endless condoms.

I was drowning in a sea of condoms; I don't even use condoms. There were SAS condoms which I would never trust; they look cheap, Drama Down Under condoms that came with free lube, condoms sponsered by something I have never heard of, and my favourite; Nando's condoms. The Nando's condoms, rumoured to be Peri Peri flavoured, have the slogan ''not for soft cocks'; OH THE HILARITY! May I enquire as to the point of so many condoms? I understand that the university wishes to promote sexual health, but are all of these condom brands to be trusted? I for one would not trust a condom sold by a company who focuses mainly on cooking chickens. On the topic of condoms... FUN FACT: the use of a sugar based flavoured condom can lead to thrush as yeast forms in the sugar. Nice image for you all there, and a message; get your butt on the pill... or use Peri Peri flavoured condoms instead.

I'm sure that I began this post with a very deep and meaningful idea that would be worth pondering, but it has conceded defeat to the idiotic rambling of a person too tired for writing, just like many of my other posts. Thanks for reading.
-Renji