Ques, Rain and Mouse Traps

So here I sit both absolutely furious and catastrophically spent. After three and bit months of twenty ten I have started to discover its pattern of periodically providing a glimpse of hope followed by an inevitable spitting in face. It’s that rude family member of my many years of life who won’t be forgotten due to their everlasting imprint on my psyche. So yes I apologize just as I do at the beginning of all my other blogs but this time not for poor writing and grammar that has now become a given; this time you will be enjoying slash ignoring a personal rant on my failing social interactions and quest for a somewhat true form of happiness.

This quite obviously is not a selection of spontaneous feelings so I shall tell you the little story that has sparked this collection of words. Tonight was a night spent in ques to get into pubs and clubs whilst standing in the pouring rain. It went for a whole three hours at the end of which I did not enter a single venue and just left in utter frustration. Most of this time was spent alone due to a decision to partially uphold a prior commitment... something I somewhat regret. Why was I not allowed to enjoy myself tonight? What is it that has decided I am no longer permitted to experience happiness?

I am quite aware that I have bountiful amounts of material wealth available to myself and should be quite happy with all I have got but material joy does not exist to me. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy all the things I have most of which I have slaved away for corporate giants just to afford and maintain their phony pleasure that they bring. It is just in the end I am not happy for them because for some reason it has been decided that I cannot find emotional happiness. I have friends but I guess in the end we all need that something more to supply the drug like feeling of lust and love something my current glass of scotch can’t even fix.

So it comes down to being lonely I guess. A void very difficult to fill and almost certainly not something we can count on happening on a weekly basis. When we cannot find someone or something to fill a gap we just end up counting too much on the dreams that we cannot make material wealth create our happiness and cure and loneliness. It now makes sense why I spend so much time working and am always trying to develop such grand plans for myself because it simply just is all to fill a void. A gap in my person and my identity and sadly this scotch is not going to fix it.

Wallowing in my own self pity is not helping but after so many knock backs and failures where do you start. If you failed this many times at doing anything else you would just give it up and move onto something else but this is life I am talking about here you just can’t look for a different kind. Where do you even find out what it is your doing wrong because there must be something I am not repulsed by myself so I cannot be that bad of a person?...

Another failed night passes and I once again sit in front of this brightly light screen burning the back of my retinas and most likely giving myself some form of cancer just by living. When will it end or will it ever? I think it is just time to join eHarmony to find my compatible soul mate and get it over and done with because I sure as hell am not having any success otherwise which I am sure is just the same as a lot of the rest of you.