I don't feel like it...

Alright, so yes some ideas aren't bright. It's true. I'll reference Mysterious Follower's post, as this is essentially a blog-length comment on it, meshed into an counter-view of mine. Anyway, a key point in that post was that not having time to think things through results in brash decisions. I completely agree with this and won't be arguing against it. In fact, this isn't even an argumentative response. Indeed it's simply another page of the same book.

So in that post, a model was represented. Opportunity --> "I can do that..." --> Execution of the idea --> The tipping point --> Reflection. Now obviously the external factors aren't within our control, which makes discussing the levels of opportunity pretty pointless, unless we dab into self created opportunities, but we'll leave that for another time. Instead, I'll draw your attention to that second phase. Replace it with the words "I don't want to..." or "I don't feel like it..." or "I don't think I should..." This changes the entire sequence to something like this. Opportunity --> Doubt --> Refusal of idea --> Opportunity is missed --> Reflection. Strangely enough, they end the same, but we're looking at a completely different monster. Anyone who has seen Yes, Man! or is familiar with its main theme and concept, might have an idea where I'm going with this.

So the resonating statement of Mysterious Follower's post was: "The four words that lead to every life changing experience and misguided decision; 'I can do that'" - and, as you can see, I've highlighted a particular part. What's important here is to not make the mistake of assuming that any changes to life are bad. I know I can't speak for MF's circumstances, but I feel some positive influence needs to be present, even just for the blog itself. Ask yourself, "what do I enjoy?" Not, "what do I do?" I think most of us would be surprised how much the answers differ. It's an area in which I'm particularly critical of myself. I'll give you an example with two short lists.

What I enjoy:

Spending time with my friends, family

Talking to my girlfriend

Playing video games

Walking/Traveling

Listening to music

Dining

Speaking German

Reading
Writing

Movies (Cinema)

Television/DVDs

Blogging

What I'm usually doing:

Playing video games

Listening to music

Talking on msn

Surfing the Internet

Blogging

Eating

Sleeping

Being alone

Now there are some interesting conclusions I draw from this. One, I spend way too much time alone, which whilst I accept is something I need to do, due to my particular personality - it's definitely still excessive. Secondly, out of all the activities I enjoy that can be done alone, I only usually do 3 out a potential 6. Thirdly, I spend too much time in front of a television or computer screen. Fourthly, I don't socialise or communicate as much as I'd like. However, the problem is, I just can't figure out why. I have hundreds of books I could be reading at this very moment. Plenty of DVDs to watch. Anyone I want to talk to is a phone call away. I can always walk out the door and experience nature. My friends invite me to things constantly - albeit occasionally things I don't like - and even the times that I genuinely would enjoy, I tend to pass up on. The questions remains, "why?"

I don't think it's a matter of me suddenly clicking and doing all of these things. I think it's got to come from a change in lifestyle, and that change might just need to be learned through a similar program, as the one featured in Yes, Man! Call me crazy, but I think the message of that movie is strong. Obviously there are still boundaries for individual people, and I could never see myself bunging jumping off a bridge, but surely I could go with a few more drunken nights with my friends? However it's a process. I daresay if that opportunity arose this week, I'd probably pass up on it. It's important to start small.

So whilst I'm all for thought before action, sometimes I believe a little spontaneity is necessary - and can do an individual a world of good. There's no reason to be opposed to new things, just because of bad experience in the past. Life's ever changing, but if you don't experience it, you'll get left behind.

I can do that...

So basically I have been avoiding this for months. I just don't really have anything interesting to say. I have committed myself to so many things that i have basically removed thinking time all together in my life. I have a seven day a week schedule before i include any form of social interactions. Which in the sake of trying to avoid becoming a hermit i force myself to take part in. Which are always great until the next day when I have to go do something else again. The worst part to this being I'm only one week in what future can I look forward to... Possibly this one...

See when you take away time for thought it leads to brash decisions. The most dangerous of which  I like to call the I can do that's. They tend to follow this simple five step process so I give this to you as both a gift and warning the examples follow the story of needing to go downstairs while on holidays taking up some rays on the deck, how complicated could that get?

1- An opportunity...

Eg.. Sitting on a deck on the first floor (ie one floor up) and then needing to get down stairs. The process would require a long walk around to the stair case completely in the wrong direction. A simple solution presents itself climbing off the deck followed by a jump. It is obviously not the best choice but holidays have rendered you lazy so obviously the shorter paths appeal overcomes...



2- The moment where you think to yourself; I can do that...

Eg... The moment while considering the angles and heights that it seems somewhat possible in your mind and on top of that kind of cool if you could pull it off. The actions you would include in the story every time your retell it begin to come to life and you have basically committed yourself to this terrible idea.

3- The execution of said idea...

Eg... So your climbing off the side of the deck when you realise you have misjudged the strength of the safety wires around the deck. The problem is its too late as you have already build up a crowd with your cries of brilliance who are now waiting to see you fall gleefully. So you suck up your fear and just go for it anyway.




4- The tipping point...

Eg... This is the point where plain and simply things go to shit. As previously noted the safety wires begin to give way and your start free falling before your hands get grip right on the edge but soon enough as your are feeling some relief you see your swinging towards the large glass panel windows. In a brash move of disaster evasion you let go making a terribly ungraceful landing followed by a combination of shock horror and laughter from your audience. It is then your heart decides it may as well begin beating again.


5- Reflection...

Eg... At the time it is something you just try and laugh off but secretly swear never to listen to yourself again when it comes to such ideas.

Now I see this isn't a very serious example but the rules are generally applied to serious situations. I just didn't want to include more depressing stories this blog sees enough of.

The four words that lead to every life changing experience and misguided decision; "I can do that". The reason why you avoid dance off's, karaoke sessions, relationships, and sculling spirits from the bottle. So I leave you with this warning seriously don't do it. It is just not worth it.

That is all I have for you people...

Give and Take

Alright gang, round 3. Today let's discuss subjectivity. I think it's one of the greatest things about humans, but also most destructive, in regard to cohesion. We're all different because of subjectivity - it's what shapes our likes, interests, preferences etc. This is obviously a very important aspect of our lives, and prevents us from being mindless drones of the system (to use some strange metaphor, I barely understand, nor care much about) - however, there is a downside. Whilst subjectivity shapes what we like, it also shapes what we dislike, and generally the levels are in the extreme. Naturally there is some indifference, but when it comes to socialising, indifference to something is just as bad as disliking it. You can't make conversation on something you hate, or something you don't care about.

Just think about all the people you've spoken to, but then after learning a few things they're interested in the conversation has just died in the arse. Not because you're both mean or because you neccessarily find each other uninteresting, but because you can't relate in anyway. You usually bring up a staple topic, like work, school, relationships etc. However, these can only get you so far. You can't really socialise with someone new if you only talk about your individual experience. At some stage, people get sick of hearing about your past. You  need to be pro-active in mainting a good friendship.

However, this is hard with subjectivity. I see many people who forego their subjectivity, even doing things they hate, to have experiences with the people around them. That's something special. Don't get me wrong, I do it too, but it's not easy. Everytime I go to a house party, there's music, which to me, is absolutely atrocious. Yet, I put up with it everytime I go. Inevitably however, it gets to the point where I don't want to go because I just wouldn't be able to handle the music. It builds up. People can only take so much of things they don't like. You need a balance. Which is why it's up to everyone to try and indulge in everyone's interests. Not just dismiss them straight away - even if you hate them. That's not how we grow as people, and as friends. Like most things in relationships, it's give and take. You're friends to begin with, that means there's some common ground already - you just have to accomodate for each other. There is fun in everything. So give and take.

WHY DON'T YOU REMEMBER MY NAME?!

I have negative charisma. I swear... okay, yeah, I'm shit at people, because I'm a self oriented, judgemental and manipulative bastard... but surely you could at least remember who I am... wait no, that doesn't sell...

I'm attempting to transfer to Melbourne University this semester, unfortunately I need paperwork that should've arrived a week ago. They can reference things like that when I try to uproot the failing bureaucratic procedure from the human race and am promptly martyred. Aaanyway, I'm fairly sure my marks hardly qualify me, but I sent the application before I got them, so now I have the crushingly terrible task of having my 61 average willingly and casually dismissed. My birth wasn't my fault, don't expect me to give anything back to the world, I didn't touch your 'state of the economy', 'good of the nation' or 'upheld values'. I WASN'T INVITED, SOMEONE ELSE DRAGGED ME HERE, I SWEAR...

Soooooooooooooo... I've sent this application, and so I check my emails today:

'Dear Joshua'

Oh... fucking mature... salt to the wound.

I have siblings. Meaning my parents might as well not have bothered naming me. Nomenclature is the most widespread illusion, a belief enforced by irrationality and contempt for consistently waiting for the third introduction before people don't have to ask... Grrr

Well, I've got this email for someone who immediately conjures a portrait of educational diligence, drive for success and abstinence from fantasizing about self harm when in the presence of another grotesquely superior example of humanity. Fuck you Joshua... I was doing fine not being reminded of my own cancerous presence.

Reminds me of how *EVERY potential employer I've ever had has forgotten my name as well. I know I have a feeble acrostic poem for a resume...

My
Availability
Tuesday
Three
Hours
Every
Week

When do I start?

*Crucible Tongs NEVER exaggerates

My last 'job' from which I've already been swiftly expunged gave me Mark... then Derek and from there Dave. At what point does that make a sliver of sense? I just gave up and started responding to all three. The ability of the human mind to rationalise my responding to three different names in half an hour is hilarious when you're a scathing, sniping embittered jerk though...

Ugh, well I'm tired and hungry, but too lightheaded to go and blend a smoothie. No pictures tonight, I give up, they're too cumbersome and disgusting when done badly. I'll leave that to other people here who do it plenty better. Well, we've both put up with me this long, so why not reward yourself? Get something nice... I have to spend my rewards on billboard sized nametags to delay complete breakdown so I'm going this way... BYE

2067, how I yearn for thee.

I know I don't contribute much to this "group blog" of which, to be perfectly honest I still don't really understand the purpose of - however I can not sleep, feel like writing and as a consequence shall proceed to write about being unable to sleep.

Remove the shirt, and place a laptop on the bed - it's me!

No doubt, you know of an "identity" on these pages who suffers from bouts of Insomnia, well if we're keeping a list of such people, you can count me in. Tonight is one of those nights. I've been sitting at this computer for nearly the entire evening, from around 6pm til now, albeit with about 2 hours break when my best friend visited for some quality time with Donkey Kong Country. So it's what, 2.30am now? That's about 6.5 hours at this screen. Granted I did do some blogging, and write a short news article for Vooks - but aside from that could we call this anything short of an internet addiction?

 Curse you ice level! I blame you for this! Oh the pain :\

You know, I'm not even sure it's that. Maybe it's a technology addiction. However, what I do know is, my heavy reliance on the internet and technology itself does prevent me from doing other activities, such as exercise, more acceptable levels of socialising - and plain just leaving the house. This is one problem, but as I alluded to before, I believe it runs deeper than that. I think this reliance morphs sleep into something I neither really wish to do, nor can due to over stimulation of my mind.

Why would I sleep, when I could make this blog post - further stimulating my mind? It's ironic that I'm making this post because my mind is simulated, preventing me from sleep. It's a cruel, vicious and unforgiving cycle. "I'm thinking too much and I can't sleep" "Why don't you do something then?" "Now I'm thinking even more and sleep seems even more out of reach." Curious, no?

Another curious point is: if I have a day of feeling completely lethargic, I can actually follow a decent sleeping pattern, indefinitely. However, if this slips for a single day - it does back to the same 11-12 noon risings from bed, leaving a good 3-5 hours completely wasted on this non-achieving activity we call rest. However is there a solution? I'm not so sure. An on/off switch would be desireable.

How's this: In the future we'll have nanomachines that with a flick of a button can actually put us to sleep for a set period of time - but still wake us up if they detect loud noises, fire etc. People in the future will have things so easy.

 Snake approves.

To close; as my laptop battery is lurking torwards dangeours levels of lowness, I bid you adieu and good night. Aiming for a 9am wake.

I Am Woman - Hear Me Roar On Occasion.

Here is something that is irking me recently, and I'll start with a conversation I had with "friend" (I use the term "friend" loosely) recently:

Setting: In the car, driving down the highway at 2am. A cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds is playing (my choice).
At this point I will give you an example of some of the lyrics to "Bitches Ain't Shit" (originally Dr Dre):

"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Get the fuck out after you're done
And I hope in my ride to make a quick run...

I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright
We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night
Tight than a motherfucker with the gangsta beats
And we was ballin' on the motherfucking Compton streets
Peep, the shit got deep and it was on
Number one song after number one song
Long as my motherfucking pockets was fat
I didn't give a fuck where the bitch was at
But she was hangin' with a white bitch doin' the shit she do
Suckin' on his dick just to get a buck or two
And the few ends she got didn't mean nothin'
Now she's suing 'cause the shit she be doin' ain't shit"

You get the idea....Anyway. The following conversation ensued (for the sake of the story, "friend" is male):

"Friend": How can you like that music, Anna?
Anna: What do you mean?
"Friend": It's so sexist against your own sex, and you listen to that shit.
Anna: Mm, but... I mean... there's a certain point with sexism in music when it gets so ridiculously over-the-top that it's amusing. It's why I love Kanye. He's an arsehole, and he's totally conceited and sexist, but it's funny. You can't take it so seriously.
"Friend": So you're not even offended a little bit? Like, that they say that shit about women? You wouldn't even stand up for yourself if someone said stuff like that to you?
Anna: Well, we're not talking about someone saying that stuff to me, we're talking about a song. If someone says something that's deliberately offensive and personal, I'll stand up for myself. But I'm not a feminist. This is music. It's different.
"Friend": So you weren't even excited when Julia Gillard was made Prime Minister?
Anna: I don't really care about Julia Gillard. It didn't phase me whether a woman was in power or not.
"Friend": God, I was happier for your sex than you were...

I would like to know why I have to suddenly become a fan of someone I don't consider an influential or powerful leader, purely based on the fact that they share a gender with me.
I have no preference between Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd as Prime Minister of Australia. Now, I'm not a highly political person. I cannot back up political arguments with facts and figures and ethical opinions like many of my better informed friends can. And, yes, there are aspects of Julia Gillard I can appreciate based on herself as a person, rather than based on her as a woman in a role of power.
I appreciate the fact that she lives in a lower-class working area, and has not had her way through life paid for. I appreciate that she is in a defacto relationship with her partner, without kids, and does not obviously wear her religion, if she has one, like a badge of honour and use it and her family as a means of rising through the ranks and winning the votes of Australia's religious citizens. I appreciate the fact that she has stayed in her home in Altona rather than move into a highly-protected mansion.
But the fact that she is a woman really doesn't sway me one way or another. I believe that the way Kevin Rudd was shafted out of power was inappropriate, I feel that the purpose of Julia Gillard's role as Prime Minister is merely a way of making the Labour party appear as if they're making more progress, and her being a woman shouldn't really be an issue.
Don't get me wrong: I approve of equality in society amongst genders/races/religions etc. But I think that at some point we've decided that feminism is about female power and domination. I don't think this is necessary. The gender of the Prime Minister doesn't make me like them any more or less. Their opinions and policies and actions are far more likely to sway me.
I am sick of people suggesting that because I do not believe a book is a feminist text, or because I do not agree with the ideas of Germaine Greer, something about me is inherently wrong.
I mean - there are many situations in which I would agree with the views of a woman, and the views of a woman in power. I can appreciate feminist texts and ideas and I believe women and men should be treated equally - I do not believe that a sex should determine someone's worth as a leader.
And as such, no, I will not vote for Julia because I want girl power. I will vote for her if I like her policies.
On the flipside, there is no way in hell I would ever vote for the smarmy scumbag also known as Tony Abbott, who makes my skin crawl and my brain want to jump out of my skull. That man's old-world views actually make me feel like Australian society has leapt 200 years into the past. Which is a further elaboration on the fact that I am not a supporter only of males.

I guess that's all irrelevant, because I fully intend to vote for the Greens.

BUT ANYWAY. My point is, if I want to vote for a woman, I will vote for a woman. If I want to vote for a man, I will vote for a man.
And if I want to vote for a queer, ageing hippie, as I most certainly will, I will definitely do that, and their gender will have nothing to do with it.

SO, FUCK OFF, so-called "friend". Because I'm pretty sure, in the first world, women have been liberated, and I don't think you need to tell me how to feel.
Thanks.
Enjoy the pretty pictures, everyone.

xx

P.S. Sorry, I didn't really address the music, but I stick by my opinion that I listen to such sexist music with a grain of salt and an ironic tilt. That shit is funny. Have a cry about it, prude.

Hear and Their

HELLO! *socially awkward waving and other nonsense that just presses all your little rage buttons when you were praying that this could be anyone else sharing your present company*

Me again, well, just mega spaced out me, but still, there's the warning. Turn around and mutter in disgust at my shameless blogjacking. Point is, I use this as my podium now because my other blog just has some kind of disestablished fanbase. Well, love it or hate it, it's me doing what I do best... accruing spite...

I feel like I'm in two places at once. Read in your own crazy metaphor, I'm tired. Just a second ago I was typing in the dark in my room but was also typing at a desk in a highrise apartment, sort of very trippy if you ask me. Happened this morning too, I woke up in two different beds in two different rooms with two different absences of reason for doing so. By now, you've cottoned on that I'm not sleeping enough and trying to further establish my identity as The Delusional Wreck, hopefully to shift out of The Codependent Deadbeat, or The Guy Who Makes One Decent Wry Comment, Then Uses That as an Excuse to Keep Talking Crap... I'm the human tarot deck, I can just about show people their futures.

Watch this!

Take a card.

Look at the card.

Subject it to memory.

Your life will entail a series of relative joy to relative misery!!!

See, I'm good. I could give professional advice, because professional advice is just a gameplan by the narrow minded. I'm getting sick of the 'Life is good! But sometimes it's bad, so uh, you might want gloves on those days...'. Let's be honest, anybody here who isn't familiar with what I write isn't a true follower of this blog, just like the people who don't comment (You people just having your way with presented opinions...), would have noticed I'm prone to attention seeking bouts of melancholy... also the legit ones, but they've reached the point we're they aren't the problem anymore. Well I'm being hypocritical as usual as well, but I hate people who feel they have to remind me everything apart from chronic insomnia has it's benefits.

By now you're starting to suspect this is that stream of consciousness junk again, to that I say that you're sleuthing at the expected level of a stalker awash in the filth of his devotion. Congratulations by the way. If you suspect the stream of consciousness arises from my life's absence of things people do and talk about on a regular basis, bonus points, now you're that same stalker, but now some prime time commercial programming has convinced you you're trained for private legal investigation.

Damn, there was actually a point to this, but I forgot it. Maybe it's briefly alluded to in the previous paragraphs. Do give them a thorough reread now to inject respectable length, thanks.

I've been told I'm not allowed to post here without pictures now because you're considered too dense, impatient and present in the information age to wallow through all the text could fit the binary code for a small picture that could do the job faster & with all the expected side effects of a medium transplant.

So here's 'Crucible Tongs's Post: The .jpeg'






Here you go, D.I.D. A Mess, cheapening your experience with every increasingly manic post. But these are just random things I've lolled at in the last few weeks. I can't work out whether it's the childish sense of humour or the hallucinogenic properties of an LCD screen at 3am though...

Well, signing off... in pics!



Courage



Folly



Just opinions

Not only just for some.

I had a very strange experience in a public toilet the other day.
And no, it's not what you're thinking....
...pervert.
It involved nothing sexual, digestive, or drug related, thank you very much.
I was in Coburg with a couple of my favourite people. We'd been apartment-hunting for my friend B in Brunswick, (successfully, it turns out, thankfully, as B lives in Ballarat and my friend S and I are sick of having to travel innumerable kilometres or waiting several hours to see him). So we'd stopped in Coburg for coffee (it turns out my double shot was an exceptionally strong double shot and considering it was only 2pm and was my fifth for the day, I later felt like I was dying) (that's fifth coffee, by the way, which doesn't necessarily mean fifth shot), and the only toilet nearby was one of those fancy button-pressing, door-sliding, voice-talking metal toilets that scare the hell out of me.
Hear me out. When I walked in, it told me to press the button to "seal the door". I was confused, firstly, that the toilet was talking to me, and secondly that it wanted me to press a button that apparently did not exist. This didn't seem to be a problem, however, as the door sealed itself and then told me in a mechanical American voice that the "door is locked - press button to exit".
"But", I thought, in a panic, "But there is no button, Stephen Hawking-esque mechanical voice!"
Hearing my pleas, the toilet proceeded to play "What The World Needs Now Is Love" in what I can only assume was a misguided attempt to soothe the sheer terror growing inside me.
After several minutes of clawing at the interior of the shiny, shiny toilet cubicle in the crazed frenzy of a trapped and terrified bandicoot, until I managed to escape via accidentally palming a flat and non-pressable circular indent in the wall, and fleeing in horror.

But this horrific and highly dramatised experience did get me to thinking.
The first thing it got me to thinking was that I would never use a toilet like that ever again, followed closely by the idea that Burt Bacharach was a loved-up, cheesy tosser who probably wrote lovesongs only to get laid and never actually fell in love.
However, what it mostly got me to thinking was: "What DOES the world need more of?"
I reached a few conclusions, as follows:

1. Disco piano, disco clapping, and disco strings.
I've been listening to this fantastic Spanish band that sings in broken-English over bad recordings of disco beats and the like for the last few days. AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT LIFE. Strange Spanish men trying to sing about life's problems in a fashion that is several decades late is ALWAYS worthwhile. ALWAYS.

2. Hideously embarrassing and unashamedly crazy dancing.
I have this wonderful friend D (incidentally, his name is actually shared by an American city, so work that one out, bitchez). He is polite, witty, well-read, a musician, small of stature and interested in philosophy.
He is also the most insane dancer I have ever witnessed in my life. And he doesn't even need booze. He arm-flails, booty-shakes, knee-twists, toe-taps, head-jolts, and, on very special occasions, pole-dances.
This guy brings out the insane dancer in me.
I used to be, like many literary and music-focused nerds, terrified of public dancing. The thought of wild-limb-flailing was shocking, unless I'd drank far too much. Until I saw this guy dancing at a music function last year, going insane, without alcohol, and it made me want to dance ALL THE TIME. He was SO HAPPY. He dances and he doesn't care what ANYONE thinks, and it's so admirable that all I want to do now is dance like a crazy person. Regardless of how gangly and goofy and awkward I am.
It's like Chris says in Skins: "I think dancing is one of the best things you can do. Because it's good for your body... and your mind."
Or something to that extent. What am I, a fucking pop culture dictionary? Look it up yourself.

3. Delicious homemade food with good friends.
Even if it goes terribly wrong. ESPECIALLY if it goes terribly wrong. Some of the best times I've had have been with friends destroying perfectly cookable dishes. Then drinking wine with them.
You know. One of the pleasures of life.

Anyway. Sorry this is such a lame blog post. In truth, today I got most of my exam results back. I spent four hours a day working my arse off for one subject, until I physically couldn't do any more - I ended up with severe RSI and was in a world of pain for weeks. And I barely passed the subject. They barely deemed me passable.
And I'm thinking: "I want to make a career out of this shit... I changed courses for this and I worked harder than I've worked on anything... and I have a pass by four per cent to show for it?"
On top of that, one of my favourite people just moved to another part of the country. It made me sadder than I thought it would, because I think I realised that I really appreciate him more than I thought, and that we were on the same level, and you're so rarely on the same level. You so rarely share the same ideas and feelings with people. I hate it when they leave.
Or maybe I'm just down. Yeah. Probably.
Love you, little bloggers.
xx