The truth's always got a shortcut you didn't think of, because it'll always get you, no matter how far you run... and I can run like the devil's on my tail.
I've had a really weird week. That's all I can really say. It's just weird. I don't have any other way of approaching this, I think it's what they call growing up... you know, when suddenly you're not equipped for any of this but it's gonna come crashing down on you whether you like it or not. Or maybe not, I just don't know, something feels different. Maybe I AM going crazy... it honestly wouldn't surprise me, but maybe not.
The only thing I know is that everything's catching up. EVERYTHING. Heh, this could be my 'Dark night of the soul'! I really don't know whether or not I should laugh or cry... hell, sometimes it's actually been easiest to do both. I don't know whether to write about it or just shut the hell up, neither actually helps when you've only really got your own feet to fall back on.
It sort of started last weekend, I didn't feel too fantastic last Friday. It's weird. It's like you feel a bit nauseous, but you also feel really detached from the world, like it'll just keep spinning on ahead of you but at the same time it'll drag you into those barricades up ahead and you're going through, you don't get to break them down, you don't get to be crushed against them, you just get pulled through. You just feel the whole thing for a bit, and then it's way behind you. You didn't fix it, you're not over it, but there's nothing you can do... so why even bother caring anymore?
Well, I think it was 4am Sunday morning or something. About that time where nothing moves. It's perfectly silent. I'd really recommend going for a walk from about 4 until 6 in the morning some time, you get to see the world, sort of, fill itself. At first there's just nothing, everyone else is asleep, there's no voices, no cars, no birds. But there's lights. Traffic lights are pretty funny at this time of morning. They're really unnecessary, like lines in the road. It's like the same rules are there, but there's noone around to observe them. The street lights are on, but noones awake. At this time, it's surreal, the world that so much work goes into building is incomprehensible. It's bizarre. It's strange. Familiarity just melts and suddenly you see everything from the outside, all the structure that resembles nothing, the need to see while your asleep, the signs that somehow tell you where to go, what to do, who to be. Well, it was about this time, and I wasn't feeling normal the day before either, it's weird, it's like you just have nothing that you would say. There's so many words coming to mind, but nothing's what YOU would say. I was sitting up in my bed, I couldn't sleep. I think it'd be amazing if one day I got to go to sleep because I was tired, not because of a clock or company, but anyway I was awake and suddenly I just let it all in... or everything out? Or just lost it? Or found it? It sounds like pretentious rubbish, but it's just how the truth works. I think I just sort of realised that noone could ever come with my wake up call. That there's alot of things in this world, not everyone is entitled to everything, and the things I'm not up for are starting to introduce themselves.
I really, REALLY hate Sunday. I think it might be because I just sit and think by myself all day, because I hate it or because I know I wouldn't want it any other way. Where I live, Sunday tends to be the day where everyone I live with is present for the afternoon, and everyone seems to just do the same thing. An identical conversation about football throbs like backing to my mother's emphasized warbling over dream renovations. I'll never understand why anyone would want to spend so much of their life in the one place. You can never complete a 'home' until you reach the age where it just serves to wall you in. I never want to be nailed down, I never want an unbreakable attachment to anything, anyone. I always fantasize about running away. I'd like to say I used to, but it's something that I don't think I'll grow out of until the fantasy becomes musing on a regret. I can remember at about ten or something, planning on getting a job at fifteen and making enough money to get on a plane to anywhere and starting a new life, I wouldn't be trapped by family, by friends or even my own identity. I'd say I was older, get a job and start working on my next escape. Boldly going nowhere, because there's no point trying to 'win' life, there's no climax, no reward. Just experiences. This Sunday I was pretty shaken up, it can be pretty worrying when you start to feel, think or even fear stuff that you haven't for years. I'm always surprised at my own stupid capability for letting things get to me, especially the things I shouldn't. And especially the things I just don't care about that I trouble myself with. It was just one of those moods where I couldn't do anything. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't hold a conversation without getting obscenely emotional or being callously emotionless. I couldn't strike the middle ground. I couldn't feel sad or angry, I could just sort of flit between. I couldn't feel happy or calm either, so I'd just sort of laugh at some things and just fidget around.
I always get anxious in crowds. I swear, if everybody just agreed that it'd be perfectly cool for us to just start screaming every time we felt the need to, the world would be a loads better place. That's me in a crowd. I'm the guy that needs to be screaming. I don't know whether it's a problem with people in general or something claustrophobic but it's relentless. I start to tremble if someone sits opposite me on the train. My heart stops if I bump into someone. And if I recognise someone I just close my eyes, count to three and just hope they can't see me. It's not the sort of thing that pops up all the time, but the second my mind even strays into the very awareness that I'm not alone alarm bells start ringing. This week just seemed to make this even more hellish. I just became massively irritable. I would get furious with everything, just to distract myself from the apprehension. I'd imagine the guy sitting next to me on the train tearing my throat out, I'd picture me hurling the girl in front of me down the stairwell for just being present, I'd jump in front of traffic to avoid the crowd getting off a tram. Anger is something I've never really liked about myself. It's not something I think is remotely dangerous to anyone else, it's just the thought of pain as a distraction. You know how nurses talk to you to get you to ignore the injection? Mind over matter? Well, sometimes I just need to quieten down my mind a little.
So what was my big revelation last weekend? What changed everything? Damned if I know. All I know is I got thinking about alot of things, and I sort of realised that this is just my life. This has been and always will be my life. It's not something that 'gets better'. It's normal. You know that painting with the dogs playing poker? And how Homer freaks out about it. It's pretty horrifying. We're just the same, we're wearing hats, playing with abstractions and sitting at tables, but underneath all we can really do is eat, sleep, fuck and die. That's our lives. Well, it's my life anyway, It's this great big lie. So much effort goes into giving it a new coat of paint. It's just a really fucking hard time to be alive, but for all I know, that could be a recurring theme.
So maybe I'm 'not well' as some would say. I prefer to say that I'm dealing with it, the way I deal with things. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not planning on hurting anyone and if I went ahead and got 'help' they couldn't find a cure. I've just been to a physio about my knee, the guy said I should exercise it daily with this specific stuff. I haven't done it though, and I doubt I will. Because to be cured, you've got to want to be cured. And I know I don't fit some people's definition of normality, thing is though, I don't really care. People are about eat, sleep, fuck, die and they know it, so their criticisms hold no weight. I don't really care what you think because I don't really care how you cope, I don't have time for it, I'm busy clawing my way through this stinking pit like everyone else.
Okay, so I wrote it down, I don't feel better, I don't feel worse, I just filled an hour and a half though. This has served it's purpose, if you don't feel comfortable posting after this kind of stream of consciousness bullshit you can delete it, it's fine with me.
2 comments:
I really appreciated this. It was very raw. But everyone has issues and everyone has a different way of dealing with them. Sometimes things are difficult to comprehend and explain and feel.
I know what you mean about feeling like the person in front of you on the train will rip your throat out or etc. etc. I get that. When I am so anxious sometime, I constantly see images of houses burning down, or people hurting animals or other people. I don't know if yours is quite like that, but in that respect, it's a common symptom of anxiety and stress. And it's a bitch.
Stuff is hard, but writing it down is good. It helps you to evaluate it in a different way. I hope you feel better soon.
Try stomping. That's what I do. I put on my stompin' boots and I stomp and clomp.
xx
Hehe, I can see how stomping works... I just go mainstream chauvanist punching bag or something usually... or... just hang off things until my arms stop moving... bit weird but it works. I think I have a tendency to hallucinate with stress as well, but I find that's easier when you just acknowledge it's not real, because I can't just consciously ignore it, now I just keep doing what I'm doing and sort of let it flow and it tends to mellow out. I dunno, just something that's worked for me.
Oh and of course it's raw... you don't have to scrupulously edit 'raw' ;)... but thanks for the feedback, it's really good to hear from people about this sort of stuff, because when it doesn't get a response, that's when you really start to feel like it's something fundamentally wrong with you and not just passing phases.
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