Fuelled By Caffeine.

Today, I waited until five PM to have my first coffee of the day.
This is a new record, I think.
For those of you that aren't aware, I am a being entirely fuelled by stimulants. My life is driven by that next hit of caffeine or sugar, the happy jitters it induces in my fingers, and the (somewhat more than usual) crazed babbling and yelling it has a tendency to create.
Yes. I am a Slave to my Addiction. A Dependent. An Addict.
I'm that person that comes into your tute at ten AM in one of two states:
1. Sleep deprived, but with coffee permanently in one hand, eyes flicking back and forth from notebook to said coffee with disturbing frequency, pupils dilating hugely with every manic sip (or chug, depending on HOW sleep deprived).
2. Sleep deprived, and coffee-less, having driven from early morning work to uni, raced to said tute in a frenzy of post-traffic-jam rage, curled up meekly in a corner (possibly in the foetal position), and rocking back and forth while muttering vaguely ominous bitternesses under breath.

I fully understand that upon seeing me in other of these states, at either of these times of the morning, one would gain the impression of me as the kind of person likely to one day snap and chop people into little bits and hide them in the crawl space of the walls.
But it's not my fault. It's the coffee.

And I categorically deny that I am a murderous crazy with homicidal tendencies. Just a bitter caffeine dependent.

It's a problem. This a recognise. My brain slows down substantially without three coffees a day, and speeds up with such sudden severity that I start saying things backwards and can't hold my pen properly when I write - my fingers jitter like caterpillars on acid and make my writing more scribbly and illegible than ever before.

People (usually the various other music geeks in my course) shake their heads at me when I enter a room with a coffee in my hand, or detour when running late to class to pick one up. They tell me the reasons it is detrimental to my health.

"That stuff is so bad for your skin."
Okay. But, like, so is smoking. And drinking. And eating chocolate. And living in the city. And swimming in chlorinated pools. And not drinking enough water. AND DO I SEE YOU REMEDYING ALL OF THOSE ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE SO YOU CAN HAVE SKIN AS SUPPLE AND UNNERVINGLY SMOOTH AS THE BALD HEAD OF A NEWBORN UGLY FOETUS CHILD?!?!?! No. So shut the fuck up.

"Drinking more than three coffees a day makes you infertile."
See the above outburst about ugly foetuses. I don't really like children. I mean, okay, I work in childcare (see: part of the cause of my sleep deprivation as my body clock decides I want to go to bed at 2am, but said work makes me wake up at 6am), but I don't necessarily LIKE children. they're okay. They're better than retail customers who berate you for not getting that photo frame down from that very high shelf with that teetering ladder .0008 of a second after they've asked for it. When children berate you, it helps that they're very small, and their rage is akin to watching a jockey try to take on a large bouncer. The point is, I'm not particularly keen on owning one myself, or having one, unless they become a barista from the get go, which i think is called a conflict of interest anyway, or whatever.

"Caffeine messes with your body clock and stops you sleeping."
OH HELLO INSOMNIA. I've heard this one, but case in point:
My father used to have ten cups of coffee a day. I shit you not. TEN CUPS. He would conclude the day by having a cup before he went to bed. THE MAN SLEEPS LIKE A GODDAMN SNORLAX.
Thus, I conclude, my insomnia is a cause of my general neurotic anxiousness, nothing more. Plus, the night is more interesting than the day.
And sleep is for the weak. I can sleep when I'm dead.

"It creates caffeine dependence and raises your heart rate."
............................................
Is there ANOTHER reason I drink coffee? Because it sure isn't for the spine-tinglingly good taste. I fail to see the negative of this so called "issue" and laugh raucously at your weak argument.

"High levels of caffeine consumption can increase your chances of developing anxiety."
Okay. So I get that this one's not so good. I am an anxiety sufferer. Social situations make me nervous. Public transport makes me nervous. Small enclosed spaces make me so nervous that I end up picking my nails and fingers to shreds and shaking uncontrollably. Deep sea creatures and submarines induce similar affects.
The point is, my happy caffeine dependence (see above) has created a comforting warm and fuzzy feeling whenever I consume caffeine. I feel all happy inside. Thus, I can't see coffee making my neurotic and (possibly) unfounded fears of things that lurk in the depths of the ocean any worse.

Anyway. So now you understand. It's a happy, non-harmful addiction to coffee. A symbiotic relationship if you will. In a sense. Coffee makes me feel good, and I therefore spruik coffee's benefits to everyone I know.
And I could be doing worse things. I could be an alcoholic, or that stoner at your high school whose eyes are permanently albino-pink and can't stop staring at the buzzing lightglobe in the science room.

So please. Leave me and my coffee alone for some quality time. I'm happy, it's happy (I assume), and if you're not happy because of my caffeine-related happiness, shut up and go crawling back to your chlorinated pools and your stuyvesant smooths. You should be warned though. I hear that shit is bad for your skin.

Anna
xx