Stupid little things

Two in a night... I really don't want to do this assignment. But I think I know what I wanted to say before.

Just thought then about all the stuff I've never said. All the stuff I probably won't ever say. If I don't wake up tomorrow, of if I call it a day in decades from now. There'll always be something I missed, someone I lost, or words I forgot. I dunno, it was just interesting, to think of how much everybody throws aside into this giant hoard of regrets, stuff we're procrastinating from.

The real stuff, not the assignments, not the paperwork. The dreams we leave until morning, the people we're gonna reach out to after they say goodbye, the path we're going to walk the day our legs can't carry us anymore. Just why? Why the hell is it like this? Why was I brought into a world where this had to happen? It's just been bugging me so much lately.

I have this silly little thing I do when I just hit up youtube or something, type in piano or cello or something, and see what I can find. I trudge through until I get to the original compositions. Then I just hit play and listen. Listen and let it make me think about everything. Stop caring about what it means, what it's called, even whether I like it or not.

It just gives clarity. Clarity in moments. For a moment you're in a room by yourself, noone can enter, you can drown out everything outside. When you're king in a nutshell you just don't care anymore. I'm not sure whether to condemn it as escapism, but it's bliss. Just the sense of knowing what you're actually thinking is perfect, it can be peerless joy, shattering misery, but it's real regardless. If there was one thing I could have that lasted forever, it'd have to be that sense of perfect isolation.

I know I'm always talking about craving company. I have to admit, I think cybernetics is the answer most people have been looking for. Just engage, talk, learn and everything will return in a constant loop. Hell, Douglas Adams and David Gilmour raved about it, it must be right.

But that place is tempting. It's weird, I just imagine it sometimes. Sitting alone, in the world I always wanted, where I could just sit and spend forever trying to work me out. Not having to worry about the growing list of things that just don't matter to me anymore...

It's monstrously selfish to just want to abandon the world like that, but it's sort of one of the things I want. I think I know I want, and I'm tired of fighting what I want.

Life just seems to flash by, damnit, I'm eighteen and I already want to go back and fix things, and this is hardly new to me. There really is no way to though. Just one path, whether it's chosen or fated doesn't change the fact that whatever happens, happens. But the brevity is frightening, I only remember fragments, I can't pick up one memory without dropping another, then finding it among the rest is almost impossible. In a way, I'd almost say I won't even live for a second. I'll just be living whatever's running through my head at any time.

So just make it worthwhile, go off and get whatever it is, do whatever you have to... it's your life, so you don't have to iron out the stupid little things.