All Natural

Alo, alo adoring blog suckling wankers, because unrestrained animosity towards a nonexistent readership is perfectly cool... but not a good sign.

Ah, who am I kidding, I check this place on the hour so I think I'm the closest thing to a consistent follower we have... Well, noone's posted for a bit, I'm bored and I have other commitments I should see to, that's all the ingredients for a blog post I need.

Weeeeeeell, anybody whose had to tolerate drunken conversation with me knows I have a twisted, invasive obsession with people's random little stories about pretty much anything. Everyone's got stories to tell, and their often some of the best kind of inspiration as well... also not technically plagiarism, so that's a plus.

So, Crucible Tongs, keepin' it real with random boring things that have happened... the test at the end is nothing so feel free to zone out, scroll and deal with your weedy, stuttering, first world conscience later.

Alright, one thing I always remember that was pretty awesome was this one time as a kid when there was a fire in the Chinese restaurant under my dad's shady, no frills, strip mall office. It was at about eight o'clock one night and I think I was about seven or eight. The fire was out when we got there, it was nothing big, but I think it was actually in the ventilation that went through the office. So there's no real visible damage or anything major, it's not like I'm walking through the charcoal remains of the Golden Boat or whatever. I can remember we had to wait in the restaurant for insurance people or something, and the power had been shut off. The restaurant's owner was there, he was a middle aged guy who always wore this suit that reminded me of a butler, also the posture, he had butler posture if I ever saw it... and I probably won't ever again. He was holding a candle and standing talking to some staff. There were a few other candles lit, so I went off exploring the restaurant. I'll say it straight out, a Chinese restaurant by candlelight in the middle of the night is amazing. It's also really creepy turning around corners and being face to face with a dragon statue that's bigger than you are. Then walking by the tanks with live crabs and lobsters and stuff. The tanks were impossible to see into unless you got your face in really close and drew the emergency candle up close. I can remember looking down into one tank full of crabs and seeing my reflection encapsulating this shuffling mass of grey shells. The crabs would disturb the water's surface, then the candlelight would bounce around and distort my reflection. I could move the candle up to see a bizarre outline of my face, then below my face to shadow my features, all the while as the mess of legs and claws cast theirs in all directions under my face. Then as I drew away the candlelight spread out around the dining area, with upturned chairs on tables, painting a shamble of lines on the walls.

There was one time when I was at one of those hedge mazes somewhere. It was one of those things where you're still young enough to get dragged around to these things by your parents but old enough to be really put off by the fact that you don't actually know any of the other people there. It was late afternoon, it was one of those clear sunny days and the sky was just starting to go orange. If I ever do get seriously involved in artistic expression, I'm staying away from hedge trimming... it doesn't exactly lend itself to much in the way of presentation. I was walking a maze with the intense boredom that comes with being ten and fully aware that these hedge mazes are pretty much all identical. I'd given up on getting to the middle, not out of difficulty, I just remember being really in the zone that day, like my sense of direction was impeccable. I could've circled around and crept up on an axe wielding Jack Nicholson with ease. But when you're ten you assume you're the amazing one, not that they don't really make these things too impossible because no regular tourist would want to spend hours hopelessly lost. I was just doing laps to avoid somebody, probably parents or siblings or something, but then I heard this crying. It was one of those real little kid cries, the ones that are closer to screaming. I can never tell with those, it's like they could be really scared or just needing to be noticed. The kid came running around the corner, he was younger than me, probably five or so, but he just ran past, tears streaming, his crying more of a call to be found than frustration with his directionlessness. I walked past this kid more than once, he was just running in circles. He didn't look like he was even trying, just waiting for something else to bail him out. Then I got worried. I'd walked around too much, when you're not heading in a direction it's hard to work out where you came from. I started to run as well. My heart was pounding, I couldn't see this kid but I could hear him, I ran faster. Every dead end would stop the momentum. My heart would stop and I'd get scared, it was like a prison, one that just wouldn't let you out, no matter how hard you tried. I don't think the other kid was still screaming, I was in too much of a panic to notice. I remembered hearing a whistle blow, then this guy with a map and sunglasses came running around the corner... looking way too official for this. He came right up to me and told me I'd be okay. He looked at his map for a bit and then started to lead me out. I know he thought I was the one crying out and I really hated that.

Alright, that's all I can remember right now... but these are some of my random stories. If you read it and can think of anything at all, sound it off in the comments.

TONGS AWAY