HEY EVERYBODIES. This is a critique/essay written by occasional blogger & regular wearer of crappy facial hair Frankly Less Than Amusing and yours truly. It's on the subject of this awesome as song by Bindi Irwin. Enjoy.
CROCODILE TEARS OR POST-MODERN MANIFESTO?
— A Deconstruction of Bindi Irwin's "Save Me"
From a thematic perspective, Bindi Irwin's environmentalist critique of modern capitalist society, 'Save Me' deals with issues of violence, death, cruelty and freedom. The narrative is penned by the oppressed flipper of what we as the audience guess to be a humpback, southern right, or other 'baleen' whale. Thus, Irwin uses the technique of personalisation in order to to give the 'whale song', pun intended, its resonating and chilling tone. From the outset, the role reversal of Irwin's sonata places the greed and cruelty of humanity at the fore, prompting the audience to contemplate and reflect on their place and responsibilities as custodians of the seas. Themes of death are interwoven amongst the narrative, as our 'friend', the 'giant of the sea' calls upon the collective conscience of society to protect the freedoms that we as humans take for granted and apply them to our 'warm blooded and skin covered' relatives. A self-conscious awareness, an ability to contemplate mortality and to contextualise identity is inherent to the text. Subsequently, Irwin brings our protagonist to recall times before the reign of man - to times of a 'wonderful blue planet...before humans overran it'. This blatant environmentalist agenda seeks to undermine man's hegemony on the ecological stage and subvert the traditional notions of state actors as justified in their exploitation of wildlife. Thus, Irwin's 'Save Me' is a timely and reflective narrative that deals with pressing and contemporary issues in a style that engages the reader on a spiritual and social level. A piece that epitomises the self-reflective and post-modern nature of the youth of today, both brilliantly constructed and immaculately executed.
On a more personal level, the devastating psychological conflict of the tweenage poet resonates throughout her lyrics. When listening to the track, it becomes immediately clear that Irwin's "whale" persona is an anthropomorphic projection of her inner existential turmoil. This is a sharp allusion to a long line of animal allegories which Irwin would have no doubt encountered, such as "The Rainbow Fish" (a striking, if hamfisted plea for the immediate introduction of a global socialist state) or "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" (a stark reimagining of Buddha's Fire Sermon and the emancipation from material desire in a consumerist world gone wrong). The overt phallic imagery of the opening line; "Save me, from the man with the harpoon gun"; is a desperate plea for girlish innocence in a world of patriarchal lust. The lyricist, on the cusp of puberty, desperately clasps to the pristine blemishlessness of childhood, where she and her cohort remain "winged angels playing games in the ocean blue". Irwin feels the palpable loss of this Edenesque state, and cries to be saved as the waters of the abyss surge above her impractically large Khaki collar. Man, the hunter, the bringer of death, takes on an a predatory, even Nabakovian character as he and his "boats that catch and slaughter" ruthlessly engage in the corruption and destruction of this crumbling child. However, "Save me" is more than a futile plea for the preservation of sexual innocence; entwined through the work is a curious dialecticism that jostles with the primary message for prominence. The major turning point in Irwin's artistic life is undoubtedly the premature demise of her father. Steve served his daughter as the loving protector of "Eden" – her innocence, and more superficially, the environment – against the ghastly machinations of perverse, self-serving hunters. Yet Irwin the Elder was felled not by an agent of man and his all-tainting industrial empire but one of the very creatures he devoted his life to protecting. The object lesson of this bloody cataclysm is that nature – Gaia if you will – is an amoral force and a fickle mistress that is at once majestic and terrible, she slays her allies as unflinchingly as her foes. The bitter paradox at the heart of Irwin's spiritual narrative is that the erosion of nature and innocence was initiated by nature and innocence itself. Sexual maturation, the eradication of our orcine brethren through natural selection and parental death ala stingray are all inherent aspects of the thing we call life, a phenomenon that despite it's "freedom in the water" is perpetually self-eroding and ultimately self-destroying. This is a profound microcosm of the 21st century predicament: that with the rise of anthropogenic global warming, nuclear arsenals and relentless overconsumption, life itself has become it's own greatest threat. The true tragedy of "Save me" is Irwin's gradual realisation that to fight against such inevitably is folly; and like a pigtailed Kierkegaard or a wallaby loving Plath, she finally sees that her only choice is to join her beloved father in the "deepest ocean". Indeed Bindi, the deepest ocean of all.
Showing posts with label Damacus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Damacus. Show all posts
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
My shameless bias it's loses shame
T'was the night before Election
And all through the lower house,
Not a creature was stirring
Except for Kevin Rudd the member for Griffith who doesn't sleep any more he just stares into the middle distance and contemplates the irepressible chill that freezes his soul slowly from within.
...I think the meter needs work.
It's election eve, and all of us hang our stockings up around the Polling Tree to see what presents the properly elected parliamentary Santa will bestow on us. Will it be a paid parental leave scheme, or a paid parental leave scheme that's a bit better? Will it be a National Broadband Network or a National Broadband Network that's a bit not as good? Will it be a note saying "I.O.U 1 ETS" scrawled on a scrap of KRudd's skin or a pair of speedos with a bottle of sunscreen?
Personally, I think that the Ms Claus is a bit better, and will be leaving milk and a cookie out accordingly. Not that one of her own face, by the way, that would just be weird. But I must confess that I shan't be voting Labor as my first preference. All through this blogging-countdown-process-thing I've felt a wee bit guilty about the fact that I have pretty strong opinions about this election. One voice inside me is screaming "You're BIASED you stupid fauxhemian naive eighteen year old lefty hack" where as another one is yelling "Hang on, you're not the freaking ABC – it's a blog about your personal views; being impartial isn't the point"; after which the first voice replies "The ABC? Which way do you THINK Kerry O'Brian votes?!"; to which the second voice answers "I'm not going to canvas any private conversations between Kerry and myself", then the first voice says "Oh well isn't that convenient you BARBARIAN.... Hang on how could you have had a conversation with Kerry O'Brian when you're nothing but an illustrative device used to justify an inevitable pro-Greens tirade and try to inject some filler into an idea that got old a week ago?" and then the second one says "Shut up douchebag way to break the fourth wall" and then finally Kerry O'Brian suddenly materialises to soothe their savage bickering with his improbably attractive cerulean gaze.
Yes I know I've blogged that before. But seriously look at the colour of that mumbling 67 year old man's eyes. It's the equivalent of God sewing Angelina Jolie's lips onto Kochie.
NO DAYS TO GO: MY GUSHING JOURNEY TO GREENLAND
Tomorrow I'm voting for the Greens. Whenever I tell someone this, I normally get one of the following reactions:
1) "LOL your always so zany what a great way to donkey vote! Politics is so boring, I'm gonna waste my vote 2! Cos they won't get into power, right? They're not popular enough to be President."
2) "Oh", followed by that intensely awkward look-away that screams I-think-you're-gullible-or-stupid-but-am-trying-really-hard-to-be-polite, like when someone mentions their weekly psychic appointment or says "I've been straight edge for a whole week now!"
3) "Yeah same. Let's bitch about conservatives and listen to Hack."
4) "Good for you. You do know that they want to ban fishing, get rid of Victoria's water supplies, get rid of electricity for ever and give out free heroin to children?"
To have a bit of a closer I look, I decided to go to a Greens forum-meeting-thing on Wednesday where Bob Brown was speaking. It was held in a hall at RMIT that was illuminated by appropriately lime-coloured light. The event was on because Adam Bandt, the candidate for the division of Melbourne, is actually looking he might win; he'd be the first Greens MP in the Federal lower house ever. Posters of Bandt, a white forty-something male with glasses and dark hair, plastered the wall. I was struck by the fact that he looks exactly like Stephen Conroy and Steve Fielding; and if someone were to cover them up with three giant cups then shuffle them around really really fast and then take the cups off again I wouldn't be able to tell which one was which.
In the crowd, I did see lot of expected clichés: uni students, hippies, hipsters, gay people and serious socialists with crap facial hair. But the mix actually did surprise me. Though the cheerful audience was mostly full of teenagers and twentysomethings I saw quite a few middle ages and older faces, especially women, and one man with a walk frame who must have been in his eighties. For the record, I disappointingly only spotted one head of dreadlocks, and no hair worse than mine. We shuffled from the foyer bit to the hall and I sat four rows from the front, really close to a couple of senators. No big deal, that's just how I roll. I also wrote down illegible notes in a note pad so people would think I was some kind of suave investigative journalist.
After a brief wait were greeted by the Greens candidate for Somewherewheretheydidn'tstandachance, who introduced Adam Bandt. He spoke very well for a solid 40 minutes, which was probably 10 too long. Still, he was pretty funny and engaging and talked about the measures he'd try to put through for uni students (upping youth allowance and stuff), converting Melbourne to renewables and improving public transport. Then Brown stood up and delivered a more general speech on Greens policy; speaking about education, refugees, tax reform, same sex marriage and especially climate change. I've decided that Bob Brown is awesome, his reserved country monotone much more charismatic in real life. Both of them sprinkled their speeches with sharp but not dominating attacks on both the ALP and Liberals. The two hour forum ended with questions from anyone in the crowd, about topics ranging from mental health to private schools. The panel of three answered fairly, and Brown completely owned an obvious plant from the fishing lobby. They didn't disguise him well enough: even if it was green, he was the only person in the building wearing a tie. Bob also seemed to recognise him straight away, leaning across to whisper something to Bandt as soon as the guy stood up. The conversation pretty much went like this:
Green Tie Dude: Ever since I managed to bring myself to tell my 6 year old and 10 year old that Greens want to put a ban on recreational fishing, they haven't stopped weeping and are inconsolable. How could you do this to them?
Bob Brown: My Dad was a fisherman all his life, in the last century the world's fisheries have dropped by %80, we just want to bring in a %30 no-catch zone, as recommended by scientists, so that there are fish left for your children to enjoy.
*Green Tie Dude reveals himself to be Bob Brown Sr's vengeful cabin boy who was fired for trying to wipe out all marine life in an attempt to become The King Of The Sea and lunges at Brown with the gutting knife he keeps hidden in his wooden leg but is restrained by the power of love.*
Or something like that. The audience clapped and laughed at everything that even vaguely resembled a policy or a joke, but the vision was so Captain Planetastic and the mood so excited that it was hard not to join them.
For the Record, my voting preferences shall be:
1.Greens
2.Sex Party
3.Labor
4.Libs
5.Family First
But I strongly advise you to do some last minute research and look into it for yourself, this is a big deal folks. And remember you don't have to vote for them same party in the senate as the house of reps. Toodlepip and all that. Happy voting.
democratically yours,
~Damacus
Friday, August 20, 2010
A podcast from Melbourne Talk Radio
HELLO! I've spent the last 12 hours on on and off working on blog stuff, and only the second half of those were in the daytime. I'm so great at life. I'd like to apologise for not blogging these last two nights, I was setting you up for the inevitable disappointment that'll follow saturday. I also needed sleep (like now) and am lazy. So to preserve your respect for me, please imagine you just travelled two days back in time by stealing a time machines from the Channel Nine studio.
I'd like to also say that today I have our first ever D.I.D A Mess podcast. So to you present-dwelling naysayers, "Quiet, you!"
NOT MANY DAYS TO GO: SAVE THE SHOCK JOCKS
One of the most heartbreaking stories about the this year's campaign is that while a lot of media outlets have rode the gnarly election wave to a sunny beach of financial success, one rashie-clad radio station has failed to do so. I am of course talking about Melbourne Talk Radio, Steve "poisoned dwarf" Price's rightwing talk-back station that debuted this year. If you don't know Steve Price, he's that guy who frowns a lot on the 7pm project on Tuesdays. Other presenters on MTR include my biggest unhero, Marie Andrewnette Bolt, and intellectual heavyweight Sam Newman. Apparently Jason Akermanis even has a gig there, what he has to talk about I have no idea. I assume on Saturday they'll have close electoral analysis by Ben Cousins.
But despite this stellar line up, MTR has an average of audience of 8000. No I didn't leave out a zero. That's almost as few listeners as there were boat people arrivals in the last five years. It would be a lot cheaper for them just to gather the audience into the studio carpark and yell at them through a megaphone. Personally I think it's appalling that a fantastic Melbourne based radio station with most of it's shows syndicated from Sydney should suffer like that. So that's why, in solidarity, I've decided to give them a tiny bit more publicity by posting an excerpt from "Brian Jackson's BATTLEZONE: With Brian Jackson", my favourite MTR program. Enjoy.
~Damacus
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Oh Caption My Caption
Four days to go. That means that if God had to create a universe due on election day, he'd only get up to the fish and then have to timidly ask for an extension, starring down at his omnipotent shoes. It also means that I'm starting to run out of things to write about. After yesterday's six hour photoshopping marathon I'm still a little blog-fatigued, so this shall be a wee little post.
4 DAYS TO GO: SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE (PORK?) BARREL.
From the universally acclaimed "Citizens Assembly" to the hallowed, vomit stained halls of Rooty Hill RSL, this has truly been an election for the people. The parties are 100% committed to giving us a fair dinkum go, a chance to have our say and as little choice as possible. They have gloriously pursued mediocrity and reached it with resounding triumph. Finally we have ways of engaging with our leaders – to help them understand the profound and complex issues that matters to us – in 140 character or less. As long as Tony Abbott can keep his dial up working that is.
That's why it seems wrong of me to keep this blog so tyrannically. So far, I have ruled my Election Advent Calendar like the omniscient, totalitarian god of Teletubbyland, controlling my multicoloured slaves with little speaker things and magic windmills. That time has come to an end. Light up your stomach-screens my brothers and sisters, because now it's time for BOTH people who read this to have their say.
Here follows some non-sequitor pictures, resplendent with my captions. My nakedly-validation-seeking-idea is that you submit your own captions, here or on facebook, about any or all of the pics, and I'll put them on the blog. Got it? Good, cause I don't, but I assure you that this sounded like a really good idea when I started the paragraph before last.
The Winner will receive:
-A FULL SET of home made 2010 Election Commemerative Biscuits, lovingly crafted by yours truly. Minus Wayne Swan, who I ate.
-A SIGNED photograph of Pauline Hanson. (Note: Veracity of signature not guaranteed.)
-A LAURIE OAKES AMULET, designed to ward away low to medium level undead politicians.
1#
"In a misjudged response to Tony Abbott's Iron Man participation, Julia Gillard took up mime classes.
On the upside, this means she has been able to, quite effectively, say nothing this election." ~ Shady Lewis
On the upside, this means she has been able to, quite effectively, say nothing this election." ~ Shady Lewis
"Then I said 'Sure I'll offer you a cabinet position'!!!"
2#
"Genesis 19:30-38"~ Crucible Tongs
"If I can manage a dowry I can manage the economy."
3#
PUERILE PRANKSTER SNEAKS INTO APEC
4#
Her gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh.
5#
"Luckily, I saved some of the shavings and used PVA to glue them back on; Julia says it's impossible to tell the difference."
6#
Harold Bishop had always known that one day his crack habit would catch up with him.
~Damacus
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Undead Politician Survival Guide
This election has been dominated by the lumbering corpses of pollies past, irritating those in charge and terrorising the public. It seems like no matter how long they've been retired, fired or politically expired, our ex-leaders and PMs feel the need to get their withered faces on TV every five minutes. One of the main problems is their seeming immortality; Gough Whitlam, at last count, is older than time itself. What we really need is some kind of mandatory dismissal-by-bullet policy, like they have in Argentina. But until then, use this veritable pokédex of undead politicians to help you identify, escape, and maybe even destroy any of these foul demons that cross your path.
5 DAYS TO GO: THE UNDEAD POLITICIAN SURVIVAL GUIDE
The Ghost of Kevin Rudd
"What I'm less proud of is the fact that I have now blubbered."
Danger Level: †††
Weaknesses: Salt, redheads, organ failure.
Weapons: Being a distraction, inspiring sympathy, awkwardly refusing to make eye-contact.
Description: Only recently killed, The Ghost of Kevin Rudd so far appears to be fairly unaggressive, and doesn't make the stupid gaffes or ridiculous stunts of his undead colleagues. Nevertheless, he is still a considerable danger to friend and foe alike. He lingers and haunts like Banquo's spectre, a constant reminder of guilt, a memento of his own foul and unnatural murder. As he roams the sunny shopping centres of Queensland his backstabber watches on nervously, trying to clean the Ruddy red blood out of her hair. Out damn spots indeed.
Count Johncula von Bennelong
"We have a great opportunity to turf out a thoroughly incompetent government."
Danger Level: ††††
Weaknesses: Garlic, A stake in the heart, boatpeople.
Weapons: Blood-sucking, eyebrow-furrowing, the liberal campaign launch.
Description: The Prince Dracula of Australian politics campaigns around the country with demonic fanfare and handfuls of unconsecrated earth in his tracksuit pockets. Though he has left the realm of the living, his three vampiric brides still stalk the halls of parliament: Julie Bishop, Bronwyn Bishop and Tony could-have-been-a-bishop. The last of these is his heir, to whom he has given everything except his habit for wearing clothes in public. Dangerous, and obsessively worshipped by his cold-blooded followers.
Ghoul Keating
"Politics is like going into a dog's den. If you are not ready to behave like a mad dog, get ready to be mauled."
Danger Level: †††††
Weaknesses: Decapitation, hallowed ground, voters.
Weapons: Spits acid, eats human flesh and can boil bone marrow with a sentence.
Description: Ghoul Keating is the traditional lord of the bitter necrotic ex-mps, and has viperously preyed on the living for the last 15 years. This formidable fiend famously described John Howard as an "old coconut araldited to his seat", Andrew Peacock as "an intellectual rust bucket", Laurie Oakes as "a cane toad" and Wilson Tuckey as a "stupid foul-mouthed grub." I'm not exactly sure if any of those are untrue, but they're certainly not very nice. This election he's been no quieter than usual, though a little more reserved because of some privacy campaign thing he's got going. Incredibly vicious. DO NOT APPROACH.
Andrew Thriller Peacock
"You'd need to be pretty handicapped not to appreciate that this government is dissolving before your eyes daily."
Danger Level: ††
Weaknesses: Chainsaws, people under 30 having no idea who he is.
Weapons: Super-strength, insulting disabled people. Description: OK, Andrew Peacock was before my time, but apparently he was the ever-failing opposition leader of the 1980s: sort of the Kim Beazly of the Liberal party. With his recent rise from the grave he seems to pretty much be your typical political zombie, turning up unwanted, saying idiotic things and embarrassing the public and his party. By the way, the Labor candidate for Peacock's old electorate happens to be blind, making the whole "before your eyes" thing extra douche-baggy. Treat with caution.
Bobmez and Blanchticia
"I have always loved getting out and meeting the people and still do." (nudge nudge wink wink) – Bob
"I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers." – Blanche
I'm really happy with my photoshop work on this picture, they genuinely look like terrifying, nightmarish reanimated corpses! ....wait a second....
Danger Level: †††
Weaknesses: Crucifixes, silver bullets, true history.
Weapons: Claws, godawful telemovies, the mental image of them going at it. (OH THE HUMANITY!)
Description: They're altogether ooky, and infest slow news days with the dull, necromantic soapy that is their private life. Prone to viciously mauling former-colleagues and Alzheimers-afflicted ex-wives, this rotting, rampaging Bonnie and Clyde are also known to reduce viewers to twitching, blood-soaked left overs with their excruciating 45 minute interviews.
Now I am Mark, destroyer of worlds
"It's the snake's way. It's unmanly and beneath an Aussie bloke to act this way."
"I haven't been stroked down the front by a woman other than my wife for quite some time actually."
"It's the sad thing about him; he is hyper-sensitive about his morbid obesity."
Danger Level: †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
Weaknesses: None. No amount of universal dislike or irrelevance can phase him.
Weapons: Breaking arms, handshakes of doom, poisonous tirades, fire breath, "journalism" and being the Hindu goddess of destruction.
Description: The most indisputably diabolical election revenant of 2010 is Mark "Kali" Latham, who doesn't discriminate between parties, the press and the public in his vaguely pathetic but soulrendingly vitriolic attacks. From accusing Julia Gillard of sexually harassing him to telling the people of Australia to donkey-vote, Latham's deranged, beyond-the-grave rampage rains down upon the just and unjust alike. Ever wrathful, ever hungry, he consumes all he sees, like a yawning abyss of political irrelevancy. Fear him, fear his alter of blood, and fear his shitty 60 minute specials.
~Damacus
Sunday, August 15, 2010
A blog from the Barbarian Collective
6 DAYS TO GO: MARIE ANDREWNETTE
There comes a time in every person's life when they have to write a drunken blog about a conservative columnist at 6:04 in the morning. Though every stringy muscle in my moderately intoxicated body is screaming "JUST WRITE 'I DON'T LIKE HIM' THEN GO TO FRIGGIN' SLEEP!", I am a much more loyal shephard to my generous flock of fluffy-skinned politastic readers than my twitching, eye-rolling body would prefer. (Did you like my sensible self-censorship in writing the word "friggin'"? That was because I'm worried about young children or one of my aunties reading this blog and finding me use the word "fucking". Clever eh?)
It may shock and horrify you to find that I am not the only blogger with a particular interest in this election. I'd like to talk about one in particular. Some of you might know about my overzealous, Mark David Chapmanish obsession with Andrew Bolt. I'd be surprised if you didn't actually, because it's one of those few conversation topics I incessantly cycle between. (The others being "Gosh I love Nick Cave.", "Religion sucks!" and "I need a haircut.") I loyally read Bolta's column in the Hun pretty much every Wednesday and Friday, and invariably storm off in a screaming flurry of irrational, disembodied sounds shortly afterward. For those who don't know who Andrew Bolt is, he's pretty much the Bill O'Reilly of Australian Print journalism. For those who don't know who Bill O'Reilly or Andrew Bolt are, then I beg you to maintain that snow white purity for as long as this diabolical world will allow you.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have fantasies about meeting Bolt, slamming a massive pile of documents with either a list of The Stolen Generation or evidence for climate change in front of him and screaming "READ THIS YOU CRAVEN DUTCHMAN!" I'd then challenge him to some kind of duel, defeat him, and then win Kate Ellis's hand after rescuing her from that tower where he kept her imprisoned. But I also have to concede that I feel a little bit sorry for Andrew, as the election really seems to be taking it's toll on his already fragile grip on reality. For example, with that recently killed gangland patriarch dude, surely nobody but the writers of Underbelly are punching their fists in the air? It's not like someone would use the example of a murdered criminal who's been in in the country since 1969 to imply that we should end all (arab-sounding) immigration, would they?
But Andrew's biggest mental crack appeared a few days ago, when he posted a blog about this wonderful parody twitter account, resplendent with a terrifying threat:
"A little warning there. A tearful sorry afterwards will be both too late and insincere, especially from people with their record of sliming."
So anybody who happens to live in the same street as Mr Bolt and sends him a late Christmas Card, or lose a tennis ball over the fence, be aware that a weeping apology won't be enough. Especially if you have your "record of sliming", so those with leprosy or some other pus-related skin condition should be especially wary. He later updated his blog with this:
"This is only a small instance, but as I’ve so often noted among Leftist activists from the French Revolution to the Internet revolution, many have a curious belief that their moral cause entitles them to act as barbarians. It’s this loss of conscience in the collective that makes them such a menace."
..."Barbarians", "loss of conscience", "menaces". Who is this man, exactly? Some kind of 19th century imperialist? Clarence Starling? Mr friggin' Wilson? He's joking write? Um, apparently not. Two days, completely sincerely, he refereed to left-leaning columnists as "The Barbarian Collective". This from a man who considers reactionary shock-jock Steve Price to be left-wing.
So though this post may not be specifically relevant to this election, I'd like to point out that no matter how bland and crappy the candidates are, they could be a lot worse. That's not to say Bolt doesn't have a point about the French Revolution thing. Maybe joking about public figures on twitter IS pretty much the same as decapitating 7000 aristocrats.
~Damacus
Saturday, August 14, 2010
That's the way the cookie crumbles
The lines are buzzing, the pundits are tweeting, the dog-whistlers are barking and Mark Latham is sobbing into his pillow because there's ONLY ONE WEEK TO GO! That's right – there's only a single week left until the most spectacular event in Australian politics since... well the last election. Or when we changed Prime Minister less than two months months ago. Or when Tony Abbott had that photoshoot with the fish. Listen, it's quite big OK?
I for one am extraordinarily excited. On a Damacus Excitement Scale from 'Sitting through the Soccer World Cup' as a 0 and 'meeting David Stratton and Margaret Pomeranz" as 100,000,000,000,000; when it comes to the election I'm at least a 6. With such twitching enthusiasm gripping the hearts and minds of the nation, I'd be insane not to capitalise. That's why I'm expanding my special catering business from last year into the political market.
I for one am extraordinarily excited. On a Damacus Excitement Scale from 'Sitting through the Soccer World Cup' as a 0 and 'meeting David Stratton and Margaret Pomeranz" as 100,000,000,000,000; when it comes to the election I'm at least a 6. With such twitching enthusiasm gripping the hearts and minds of the nation, I'd be insane not to capitalise. That's why I'm expanding my special catering business from last year into the political market.
7 DAYS TO GO: ELECTION 2010 COMMEMORATIVE BISCUITS
The Red Barren:
Mr Rabbit:
Kruddster:
Barnaby "my-first-name-is-so-stupid-I-don't-need-a-nickname" Joyce:
Swanny:
Comrade Bob:
I'm didn't check if the eggs in the biscuits were from free range chickens or mandatorily detained battery ones, so I went with the spinach leaf just in case.
Contact damacus_steel@hotmail.com for your special order today!
~Damacus
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Burke Identity
8 DAYS TO GO: ORGANGATE
Is that annoying fluffy figure necessary? You'd think the Age would try a little bit harder to not have people standing right in front of the camera. Maybe Michelle Grattan was just really busy that day, and only had time to snap the one with her iphone before a night of radcore clubbing.
Here is the Minister for Sustainable Population, Tony Burke and 1820's Edinburgh serial killer, William Burke:
...
What thePell Burke is going on here?
Could Tony Burke be a of descendant William Burke? No, the murderer died childless, with no relatives left for excruciating TT interviews (or whatever the 1800s equivalent was... similar I guess, but with more swooning and tuberculosis). Could it, as some you will inanely hollar, be a mere coincidence? I scoff at your naivety. LOOK AT THE MOUTHS AND NOSES AND FACE. They're pretty much identical, especially considering that one of the pictures is a crude 19th century wood cut. Imagine if you met your doppelganger, who also happened to have exactly the same surname as you. You'd either be comparing birth certificates or planning some kind of crazy parent trap scenario within five minutes. But Burke and Burke were born 180 years apart, so they couldn't be twins. That only leaves one logical possibility.
THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. That's right. The man responsible for our fisheries is a 218 year-old serial killer, who's been keeping a low profile ever since his supposed execution in 1829. 'How could he possibly live that long?!' you ask, voice whiney and pedantic. You have a point of course, that kind of immortality sounds impossible. You'd need to be, I don't know, constantly surgically replacing your internal organs with fresh ones or something. And it's not like William Burke was the kind of person who went around strangling randoms for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs!
...Oh wait. That was exactly what he did. Burke and his accomplice Hare murdered between seventeen and thirty people to sell their organs and bodies to an overenthusiastic and kind of deranged anatomy lecturer, who used them for disection in his classes. Eventually they were caught and sentenced to hanging (except the lecturer, who was too rich and important for that kind of thing). But Hare's faked his death, and after a lifetime of studying he finally learnt to replace his organs with those of non-consensual donors, guaranteeing effective immortality.
After living a relatively ordinary, if long life all over the globe changing his first name every generation to avoid suspicion, Burke is finally in the position of power he has always insididously craved. To be fair, he'd probably good at it: he's obviously got the "sustainability" thing write, and he's an expert at curbing excess population. Don't be fooled by his affable if tedious appearances Q and A, Burke has a lot more power than he'd like you to believe, with secret influence over most of the government. With a ruthless, unnatural revenant in their Cabinet, Labor's policy leaks from a couple of weeks were more than inevitable. It wouldn't surprise me if Burke, now needing to cut back on the murder to keep a low profile, had set up a black market in the parliament, in which desperate MPs can make Faustian pacts in exchange for political string pulling.
At least that explains Krudd's minor political comeback.
~Damacus
Here is the Minister for Sustainable Population, Tony Burke and 1820's Edinburgh serial killer, William Burke:
...
What the
Could Tony Burke be a of descendant William Burke? No, the murderer died childless, with no relatives left for excruciating TT interviews (or whatever the 1800s equivalent was... similar I guess, but with more swooning and tuberculosis). Could it, as some you will inanely hollar, be a mere coincidence? I scoff at your naivety. LOOK AT THE MOUTHS AND NOSES AND FACE. They're pretty much identical, especially considering that one of the pictures is a crude 19th century wood cut. Imagine if you met your doppelganger, who also happened to have exactly the same surname as you. You'd either be comparing birth certificates or planning some kind of crazy parent trap scenario within five minutes. But Burke and Burke were born 180 years apart, so they couldn't be twins. That only leaves one logical possibility.
THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. That's right. The man responsible for our fisheries is a 218 year-old serial killer, who's been keeping a low profile ever since his supposed execution in 1829. 'How could he possibly live that long?!' you ask, voice whiney and pedantic. You have a point of course, that kind of immortality sounds impossible. You'd need to be, I don't know, constantly surgically replacing your internal organs with fresh ones or something. And it's not like William Burke was the kind of person who went around strangling randoms for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs!
...Oh wait. That was exactly what he did. Burke and his accomplice Hare murdered between seventeen and thirty people to sell their organs and bodies to an overenthusiastic and kind of deranged anatomy lecturer, who used them for disection in his classes. Eventually they were caught and sentenced to hanging (except the lecturer, who was too rich and important for that kind of thing). But Hare's faked his death, and after a lifetime of studying he finally learnt to replace his organs with those of non-consensual donors, guaranteeing effective immortality.
After living a relatively ordinary, if long life all over the globe changing his first name every generation to avoid suspicion, Burke is finally in the position of power he has always insididously craved. To be fair, he'd probably good at it: he's obviously got the "sustainability" thing write, and he's an expert at curbing excess population. Don't be fooled by his affable if tedious appearances Q and A, Burke has a lot more power than he'd like you to believe, with secret influence over most of the government. With a ruthless, unnatural revenant in their Cabinet, Labor's policy leaks from a couple of weeks were more than inevitable. It wouldn't surprise me if Burke, now needing to cut back on the murder to keep a low profile, had set up a black market in the parliament, in which desperate MPs can make Faustian pacts in exchange for political string pulling.
At least that explains Krudd's minor political comeback.
~Damacus
Thursday, August 12, 2010
My First Election Blog — The GREENUMISTS
HEY THERE my ever-neglected blöglingskind (yes I just made up a German word, they do it all the time) this place is looking barren as a prime ministerial uterus so I thought I'd better post. A few months ago I made a (core) promise that if Tony Abbott becomes Prime Minister, I'd hitch an illegal boat ride and try my luck seeking asylum in Afghanistan. With nine days to go and the polls looking horribly tight, the chances of a honour-bound exile is really starting to worry me. I've started packing, and I'm already in people-smuggling talks with an unemployed Jessica Watson. So basically, if I'm ever to jump on the triannual election bloggin' bandwagon, I better start now.
My aim with these election count down bloglet things is to make them short, amusing and daily. The odds of this actually happening sit somewhere between Matt Preston winning the Tour De France on a unicycle and the Democrats doing quite well in the election. Nevertheless, I shall persevere with my Election Stories Of The Day! ... Or At Least *A* Day, Considering That Most Of Them Will Be Weeks Out Of Date, Or I Don't Know You Could Be In A Different Timezone Or Something.
9 DAYS TO GO: THE GREENSHEVIKS AND THEIR PAGAN WATERMELON MOUSTACHES.
To hook you all in from the start of this little project, I thought I'd begin with an obscure news story that has nothing do with the major parties at all! Cardinal George Pell, the boss of the church in Australia, is in theological terms a bit of a douche. He's not particularly fond of women or divorcees, and threatened to excommunicate any Catholic MP who voted in favour of stem cell research. He's also not a huge fan of environmentalism:
"Some of the hysteric and extreme claims about global warming are also a symptom of pagan emptiness... In the past pagans sacrificed animals and even humans in vain attempts to placate capricious and cruel gods. Today they demand a reduction in carbon dioxide emissions."
...Ok, I admit, I've been saving up that abominable pun for much longer than is socially acceptable.
Anyway, our favourite antediluvian autocrat has once again decided to be politely mindful of that 100-year-old restraining order between church and state with some completely neutral comments about The Greens:
"One wing of the Greens are like watermelons - green outside and red inside - a number were Stalinists supporting Soviet oppression... For those who value our present way of life, the Greens are sweet camouflaged poison."
You may well be asking yourself WTP "Camouflaged Poison" is: does it wear an army print t-shirt, or have some other way of blending into the forest to escape it's predators? Personally I think it sounds like one of Lucrei's band name ideas from Year 9. (...sorry, I couldn't resist). And when will someone make up a menacing name for the Greens other than that watermelon thing, preferably one that isn't named after a delicious fruit?
But I'm glad that the Cardinal has made this announcement to his flock. Otherwise, how else would we know that a progressive environmentalist party of smug hippies and hipster; who's best polls are like Brendan Nelson on a bad day, are actually on the verge of taking over the country and becoming a totalitarian communist dictatorship? I can see it now: compulsory gay marriage and Christine Milne setting up Gulags. A chilling vision of things to come. Literally, I might add; why else would the Greens be so opposed to Global Warming other than a twisted desire to replicate their beloved Soviet climate?
There'll probably be another Cold War as well. Sure, we don't have any nuclear weapons yet, but we have heaps of uranium and I'm sure that guy who looks like Kochie from The New Inventors could whip something up. (It's the ABC. Of course they'd be complicit in a Socialist Regime.) Like the pieces of a carbon-free jigsaw, the diabolical elements are falling into place. First the seat of Melbourne, then the world. If that's not evidence enough to convince you, just look at their latest campaign poster:
~Damacus~
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Net Nutjobs #1: BREATHARIANS
Hello you pretty pieces of pastry, you're all so lighty flighty flakey I go where the party takes me. Which tends to be blogging at just before dawn! (What do you actually call that? I'm going with 'dawnsk') So why am I a blogg'n, with my toolbox and my stocking? The same reason as normal of course, to keep the terrible silence at bay. But I figure that depressing meta-posts-about-posting are a wee bit overrepresented of late, especially from the me department, so I'm starting up a new segment! Yes I know this is just a blatant rip-off of that obscure segment The Chaser occasionally used as a space filler three years ago, but maybe maybe that means it'll get readers! Is it just me or is anyone else sick of the obligatory "nobody reads this!"every post? I'm by far the worst offender. Gosh I love tangents. And saying words like "gosh". It makes me feel whimsical and scatterbrained when I'm feeling morose and bitter.
Anyway. I have a horrible addiction for hilarious idiocy, zealotry, insanity, odd beliefs and Andrew Bolt. Reading about fundamentalists, the deluded and the stark-raving crazy is quite literally the closest thing I do to regular exercise, minus the health benefits and associated happiness. Much like distressing erotica and an unfulfilling social life, the best place to find lunatics is the internet. I have traversed just a few of it's weary depths. So in this segment I'll be talking about some of my favourite hysterically reality challenged web forums. With no further ado:
BRETHARIAN FORUMS
Name: Breatharian.info
Number of members: 315 (High turnover rate due to most members dying after a few weeks.)
Poster Profile: Crystal collecting, aura-reading, acid-dropping, hyper-spritual gullible folk with very, very, very open minds except in regards to medical science and rudimentary survival.
Loon-o-meter: 4 and a half Mark David Chapmans
Some of my dear readers might be vegetarian or vegan, dietary lifestyles which can be quite healthily maintained if you put in the effort. The digivolution of the vegan — the fruitarian, can find it a tad harder as they're only allowed to eat things that fall naturally from trees or bushes, and aren't allowed to kill plants. But the Wargraymon of the not-eating-stuff family — the mighty breatharian — takes the whole thing to a wee bit too far by not by not eating at all. That's right, there's such a thing as food skeptics, and the ones that aren't selling exorbitantly priced books or dvds are right here on breatharian.info, which claims to be a forum for Inedia, Breatharianism, non-eating, living on Light. It's the best diet there is.
Sure, you say, but don't you kind of need food and beverages to survive? You poor, brainwashed, nutritionally corrupted conformist. Poster John Mc explains:
Remember girls, if you're worried about that unwanted pregancy, ceasing all forms of eating and drinking is the easy solution most internet breatharians recommend!
And readers of all persuasion, if you were feeling guilty about the millions of people who die of starvation each year, don't bother sending food or money, that's actually hurting them. If you stumble across a child like the one to the right, tell him to stop whinging about his atrophied stomach, do some "Solar Yoga" and "pysical training", and he'll feel right as rain!
Always remember, give a man to fish and he'll be fed for a day, give a man nothing and he'll live for eternity.
~damacus
PS: If you have 30 seconds, feedback would fill me with joy, ergo breakfast.
Anyway. I have a horrible addiction for hilarious idiocy, zealotry, insanity, odd beliefs and Andrew Bolt. Reading about fundamentalists, the deluded and the stark-raving crazy is quite literally the closest thing I do to regular exercise, minus the health benefits and associated happiness. Much like distressing erotica and an unfulfilling social life, the best place to find lunatics is the internet. I have traversed just a few of it's weary depths. So in this segment I'll be talking about some of my favourite hysterically reality challenged web forums. With no further ado:
~ NET NUTJOBS #1 ~
BRETHARIAN FORUMS
Name: Breatharian.info
Number of members: 315 (High turnover rate due to most members dying after a few weeks.)
Poster Profile: Crystal collecting, aura-reading, acid-dropping, hyper-spritual gullible folk with very, very, very open minds except in regards to medical science and rudimentary survival.
Loon-o-meter: 4 and a half Mark David Chapmans
Sure, you say, but don't you kind of need food and beverages to survive? You poor, brainwashed, nutritionally corrupted conformist. Poster John Mc explains:
How is it that one can survive without food?OF COURSE! Next time your grandma offers you a slice of birthday cake, why not reply: "Thanks but no thanks, I'm sure you put a lot effort into your so-called "food", but what we truly live on is still a Divine Mystery to me". If you've still got a hankering for something other than Divine Mystery, other posters suggest a veritable smorgasboard of nutritional options including air, light, the will to live, 'solar yoga' and urine enemas. Surely these are cheaper than food, but the occasional snack is fine right? WRONG! Because unbeknownst to you until now, food is responsible for approximately 100% of all deaths.
The idea here is that we do not now (sic), nor have we ever, "lived"
on so-called "foods." What we truly live on, if anything at all,
is, as of yet, still a Divine Mystery to me.
I do see a conspiracy regarding eating. From my studies I have found that eating is main reason we age and die.Thanks Jordan from Canada! But living forever isn't all that not eating for the rest of your life can do for you.![]()
There is NO food that is NOT toxic.
This is why you start to heal when you fast. All cells in the body are potentially immortal - they only die when the toxic wastes accumulate within the cell cytoplasm from eating food.
The body can assimilate all it needs from the environment via the skin and lungs after special pysical (sic) training; and new Thinking. Finding out what that involves is part of the journey & creates the New Thinking.
When Adam ate the apple or whatever food it was he started to poison his body and eventually died.![]()
Aging is not normal and eating is not normal and it is only there to control and destroy us.
Unexpected (undesired) first pregnancy is an acute problem for many girls. Often they do go under the surgical knife and end up with infertility. Dry fasting is an alternative to first pregnancy abortion (and a broken life etc). If applied, up to 3 months old embryo gets dissolved during 15-16 days of the fast. (And there is no "christian" etc. sin).
Vitalij
And readers of all persuasion, if you were feeling guilty about the millions of people who die of starvation each year, don't bother sending food or money, that's actually hurting them. If you stumble across a child like the one to the right, tell him to stop whinging about his atrophied stomach, do some "Solar Yoga" and "pysical training", and he'll feel right as rain!
Always remember, give a man to fish and he'll be fed for a day, give a man nothing and he'll live for eternity.
~damacus
PS: If you have 30 seconds, feedback would fill me with joy, ergo breakfast.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
LYRIC MOSAIC
Oh my Oh my what a wretched life I was born on the day that my poor Mummy died, I was cut from her belly with a stanley knife my Daddy did a jig with the drunk midwife.
Run, rabbit run. Dig that hole, forget the sun, and when at last the work is done don't sit down it's time to dig another one.
I made a wish on sliver of moonlight, a sly grin and a bowl full of stars. Like a kid who captures a firefly and leaves it only to die in the jar.
But yes, I think it can very easily done. Just put some bleachers out in the sun and have it on Highway 61.
I remember a girl so bold and so bright, loose-limbed and laughing and brazen and bare,
Sits gnawing her knuckles in the chemical light, O where do we go now but nowhere.
There is a man, a certain man, and for the poor you may be sure that he'll do all he can.
Who is this one? This favourite son? Who by his action has the traction magnets on the run?
Who likes to smoke? Enjoys a joke? and wouldn't get a bit upset if he were really broke?
With wealth and fame he's still the same.
Who is this one? This favourite son? Who by his action has the traction magnets on the run?
Who likes to smoke? Enjoys a joke? and wouldn't get a bit upset if he were really broke?
With wealth and fame he's still the same.
I'll bet you five you're not alive if you don't now his name.
A letter to you on a cassette, 'cause we don't write anymore.
Gotta make it up quickly, there's people asleep on the second floor.
Gotta make it up quickly, there's people asleep on the second floor.
I was kicked off my land at the age of sixteen,
and I have no idea where else my heart could have been.
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill,
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill,
and now I am sure my heart can never be still.
They keep no fear, no second prize, walking like Jesus with voodoo in their eyes.
They come in green, they leave in black, holding dead roses with bullets in their backs.
They come in green, they leave in black, holding dead roses with bullets in their backs.
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I've got one foot on the platform, the other foot on the train.
I'm going back to New Orleans to wear that ball and chain.
I’m gazing out the window of the St. James Hotel.
And I know no one can sing the blues Like Blind Willie McTell.
Patchwork thievery, a qrotesque mockery, a heap of broken images.
Aren't we all?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Apatheia, Athambia, Aphasia.
I think I should preface this post by saying that you don't have to read it, you probably won't get much out of reading it, and we might be both more comfortable if you didn't. It's glum, uninteresting and entirely self-indulgent. I also need to stress that though I may waste your time with dollar shop angsting and emo whining, I know that my so-called problems are extraordinarily insignificant in comparison to what most people on this planet, in this country and even in my suburb would go through every day. I have absolutely no entitlement to feel sorry for myself, and though my attitude and directionless is concerning me a little at the moment, my life still is pretty good as much as it is mediocre, and a lot more than at it is bad.
Today, for example, had several fantastic things. I had tea and brownies with the wonderful Anna Hyde and I saw 'Waiting for Godot' with Mr Tongs, which was easily the best thing I've ever seen. The title of this post are three words I liked from the play and looked up when I got home. Apatheia is the absence of caring, Aphasia is an inability to communicate and I have absolutely no idea what Athambia means but would love to find out. Try them some time (I'm also getting into "visceral" in essays, it's a guaranteed breadwinner).
Today, for example, had several fantastic things. I had tea and brownies with the wonderful Anna Hyde and I saw 'Waiting for Godot' with Mr Tongs, which was easily the best thing I've ever seen. The title of this post are three words I liked from the play and looked up when I got home. Apatheia is the absence of caring, Aphasia is an inability to communicate and I have absolutely no idea what Athambia means but would love to find out. Try them some time (I'm also getting into "visceral" in essays, it's a guaranteed breadwinner).
Well here goes. Bits from my diary thing and between me writing now.
12 April
The train rattles to the city and I sit amongst the passengers. One guy has a hash brown in held in his mouth, and quickly raises his hands when I look at him. Some read books I'll never read. Most of the others are staring out the window, or into their own reflections. I'm feeling very unenthusiastic about university today. I don't like the anxiousness it gives me about assignments. I don't like them because I'm afraid of their difficulty and because I seem to inevitably delay them till pretty much after their due. This procrastination, in want of a better term, is one of my biggest problems in everything. I'm incapable of keeping promises to myself.
Tomorrow, I will be completing and submitting two assignments. One is worth 30% of a subject and was due yesterday, the other is 10% and was due Monday.
18 April
Should I leave university? I appear to hate it. I have a horrible cycle of declining weeks and no achievements, at the moment the stress and self fucking frustration that comes with things like this totally outweighs any indifferent cheeriness I feel on a good day and a passing interest in a lecture. But what would I do if I deferred?
A few weeks ago at work, the guy I was working with told me of how he was studying international relations, was planning to work for Oxfam and then eventually the United Nations. He asked me what I wanted to do. Desperately attempting to look interesting, I said maybe a novelist, but I knew that it was practically impossible to get into. He frowned slightly.
"I know this sounds really wanky man, but if you put your mind to it you actually can achieve pretty much anything you want to." It didn't. I agree with him completely. It's the want that's the problem.
28 April
I realised that all of the vague aspirations I have are pretty much a childish desire to be famous. Artist, author, comedian, journalist, tv person, actor, politician, activisty thing, musician. They're all purely craving affirmation. I feel a little knot in my chest typing this, because it's probably one of the things I want most.
On the same day, on the way home on the tram, I noticed an old man taking to a woman in her 20s. Their conversation seemed interesting so I turned off my ipod and listened in. They'd never met before. He was 70, born in China, and had an infectious smile and charming stories about the friends he'd made on trams. He sung in a choir, played in an opera, wrote poetry and had two grown up sons. He told the girl and her sister that the one thing worth having in life was happiness. Within a fifteen minutes he had a quarter of the tram happily chatting, quickly graduating from total strangers to old friends. One middle aged woman with short Burgundy hair joined in, talking about her own children. A lawyer of maybe thirty in a woolen grey suit and hat moved down the train to join the conversation, telling the old man:
"I couldn't help but hear your philosophy on happiness being the only thing in life that matters. I had cancer when I was 14 and have epilepsy now, but in some respects it's been a blessing."
I eventually took out my headphones and introduced myself, glowing inside. Minutes passed. I said nothing else, and no-one had anything to say to me. The old man hopped off at his stop, waving to all. The middle aged woman and the girls kept talking. I joined in briefly, asking the same question twice in a row then said nothing, head downcast. Eventually I put my headphones back in. This time I played music. The girls left three stops before mine and said "Goodbye Ben!". I dropped my book as I attempted to wave, and mumbled "Goodbye...". I'd forgotten their names.
I eventually took out my headphones and introduced myself, glowing inside. Minutes passed. I said nothing else, and no-one had anything to say to me. The old man hopped off at his stop, waving to all. The middle aged woman and the girls kept talking. I joined in briefly, asking the same question twice in a row then said nothing, head downcast. Eventually I put my headphones back in. This time I played music. The girls left three stops before mine and said "Goodbye Ben!". I dropped my book as I attempted to wave, and mumbled "Goodbye...". I'd forgotten their names.
25 April
I've always been too curdled with self-revulsion to even get close to making a move on a girl. I can read that fleeting distaste at my more awful jokes, that barely conscious disgust at my ridiculous over-articulated self-indulgent attention seeking bullshit. The fact that I go up three steps at a time with my head bowed like quasimodo. The fact that I'm forever pawing my greasy hair. That my arms are like bones thinly mummified with yellowed serviettes.
The patronizing, the regular hookups, the glurgey cliché romances I'm supposed to appreciate, the break ups I'm supposed to feel for and the "it's SOOOOOO much worse when you've had sex and then you don't get it for months!". It hurts, people have no idea how much it hurts, how wormlike and pathetic it all makes you feel. I have reached a point that is crushingly close to acceptance.
26 April
It's almost five a clock, my eyes are drooping, I'm still wearing a three piece suit and have donned a bowler hat.
26 April
Waste deep in the tepid sludge of miserly thoughts and awful words.
I'm lying in bed. I think my parents unplugged the internet to try to make me go to bed, thinking that the sole reason for my solemn glumness was sleep deprivation. I heard it again today.
"He doesn't care about anyone except himself."
They're doing their best to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. My main issue is with the second part.
I feel like there's nothing at all to do. I'm aware of cheapness of my ricepaper writing, the shoddiness of my bloated adjectives. It's like I'm stifled by a self-cringingness.
I have no tragedy, however tiny and dint-like, to store these thoughts and so I float in them. No storm-water hole, no outlet or joy or oppression into which the grey washing water can recede.
I hate people who can write, I have nothing to say.
I need to sleep. I need to go. I feel alone and awful.
Thanks for reading that. I'm really not like this all the time, or even often, but I wanted to get some this off my chest. Appreciated.
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