A blog from the Barbarian Collective

6 DAYS TO GO: MARIE ANDREWNETTE

 

There comes a time in every person's life when they have to write a drunken blog about a conservative columnist at 6:04 in the morning. Though every stringy muscle in my moderately intoxicated body is screaming "JUST WRITE 'I DON'T LIKE HIM' THEN GO TO FRIGGIN' SLEEP!", I am a much more loyal shephard to my generous flock of fluffy-skinned politastic readers than my twitching, eye-rolling body would prefer. (Did you like my sensible self-censorship in writing the word "friggin'"? That was because I'm worried about young children or one of my aunties reading this blog and finding me use the word "fucking". Clever eh?) 

It may shock and horrify you to find that I am not the only blogger with a particular interest in this election. I'd like to talk about one in particular. Some of you might know about my overzealous, Mark David Chapmanish obsession with Andrew Bolt. I'd be surprised if you didn't actually, because it's one of those few conversation topics I incessantly cycle between. (The others being "Gosh I love Nick Cave.", "Religion sucks!" and "I need a haircut.") I loyally read Bolta's column in the Hun pretty much every Wednesday and Friday, and invariably storm off in a screaming flurry of irrational, disembodied sounds shortly afterward. For those who don't know who Andrew Bolt is, he's pretty much the Bill O'Reilly of Australian Print journalism. For those who don't know who Bill O'Reilly or Andrew Bolt are, then I beg you to maintain that snow white purity for as long as this diabolical world will allow you.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have fantasies about meeting Bolt, slamming a massive pile of documents with either a list of The Stolen Generation or evidence for climate change in front of him and screaming "READ THIS YOU CRAVEN DUTCHMAN!" I'd then challenge him to some kind of duel, defeat him, and then win Kate Ellis's hand after rescuing her from that tower where he kept her imprisoned. But I also have to concede that I feel a little bit sorry for Andrew, as the election really seems to be taking it's toll on his already fragile grip on reality. For example, with that recently killed gangland patriarch dude, surely nobody but the writers of Underbelly are punching their fists in the air? It's not like someone would use the example of a murdered criminal who's been in in the country since 1969 to imply that we should end all (arab-sounding) immigration, would they?

But Andrew's biggest mental crack appeared a few days ago, when he posted a blog about this wonderful parody twitter account, resplendent with a terrifying threat:

"A little warning there. A tearful sorry afterwards will be both too late and insincere, especially from people with their record of sliming."

So anybody who happens to live in the same street as Mr Bolt and sends him a late Christmas Card, or lose a tennis ball over the fence, be aware that a weeping apology won't be enough. Especially if you have your "record of sliming", so those with leprosy or some other pus-related skin condition should be especially wary. He later updated his blog with this:

"This is only a small instance, but as I’ve so often noted among Leftist activists from the French Revolution to the Internet revolution, many have a curious belief that their moral cause entitles them to act as barbarians. It’s this loss of conscience in the collective that makes them such a menace."

 ..."Barbarians", "loss of conscience", "menaces". Who is this man, exactly? Some kind of 19th century imperialist? Clarence Starling? Mr friggin' Wilson? He's joking write? Um, apparently not. Two days, completely sincerely, he refereed to left-leaning columnists as "The Barbarian Collective". This from a man who considers reactionary shock-jock Steve Price to be left-wing.

So though this post may not be specifically relevant to this election, I'd like to point out that no matter how bland and crappy the candidates are, they could be a lot worse. That's not to say Bolt doesn't have a point about the French Revolution thing. Maybe joking about public figures on twitter IS pretty much the same as decapitating 7000 aristocrats.

~Damacus