'Long Read, Bail Now' - A 'Reviewer'

Good evening *creepy gothic butler bow for effect*

I know you can tell it's me by the weird shiver that only comes from awareness of myself or that guy on the train who just chuckles, licks his lips and gazes into your eyes contemplating whether he'll swing by the hardware store for mortar cleaner on the way home or to just use the last garbage bag to deliver you to whatever confronting afterlife there is for assault victims. An introduction is unnecessary... I slaved over that analogy...

Well, I'm on holidays. LIKE YOU!... condescension doesn't work online either... so naturally I've had plenty of time to do some things... and plenty of time to fill with soul devouring, mind destroying, libido flattening nothing. To put this in perspective: Your humble narrator has discovered chai... with vanilla. This matrimony of flavours overwhelms the senses for three minute, mugs of liquid joy. The penetrating sharpness of chai, with the following softness of vanilla... and the musk that fills my hovel after the eleventh mug offers a sense of security that money, even laced with crack, can't match.

Now I'm not exaggerating when I say that the combination of boiled water, pyramid teabags and just a drop of milk for perfect harmony with the vanilla is more worldly pleasure than the whore of babylon in the leather of every bovine sacrifice those mesopotamians went loony for... ah, anyway, yeah. Chai with vanilla, nine thumbs up.

Hmm, so what else has happened? Oh yeah, my controversial departure from facebook that no doubt shocked and awed my legions of admire...

Yeah, check your friend list, I'm not there... uh... surprise?... NO, ok, I WAS there... you just didn't... notice... ACK

**Sorry, poignant shuffle moment I just had to interrupt this for... Queen's 'Somebody to Love' followed by 'Princes of the Universe'... Try it! If you've ever doubted your sexual preference, this will have you in a dazed, confused mess.**

Well, I decided to quit facebook because it's a grotesque farce of human interaction, it's like what homosexuality did to romance... *awkward silence*. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa5aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway what I mean is that those reasons were just shielding the fact that I was kidding myself that sitting around refreshing the news feed trying to come up with something witty to scrape at the validation of the three and a half people online at 3am. So yeah, I walked. I know, it's sad, you've got my sympathies. You just got dragged down a notch in level of social (networking) standing to fill the void I left, that can hurt. Unless you're just one of those flawlessly awesome people, then instead, fuck you, for unknowingly building such an indomitable aspiration for the rest of us... Y'know, for just being so loveable all the time and never showing a shred of the insecurity we all wallow in like animals rolling in our own shit... no, let's get back on track... this IS about me afterall...

So yeah, I quit facebook because it wasn't filling the void in my soul... or some other poetic crap you should've expected from someone as shallow and transparent as yours truly. *does that creepy butler bow again* So, now, I've embraced the void. Me an' the void get along like this *imperceivable hand gesture*. Neeway, me and my void were playing 'ball' in the abandoned lot or whatever it is I do during daylight when my mind is so dangerously subdued by my schismatic, prismatic amalgam personality disorder. Maybe it was 'ball'... whatever the fuck that is... or maybe we were just getting high and stabbing prostitutes, I can't remember, I wasn't all there. So I'm sittin' with my void an' I'm thinking.

Me: 'Viddy this, my void. This is an apple. They say sin came from apples. I SAY DAMN THEM AND THEIR WAYS!!'
Void: *stoic indifference to signify who the cooler member of this duo is right off the bat*
Me: 'Well, this shit really doesn't write itself and I'm starting to run out of expressions from Clockwork Orange, wanna go home? It's cold out this time of year... why the fuck are we even outside? I live in a dark room because I'm a misanthrope on a mission... I don't remember it happening like this.

That transcript will show you that now I'm just writing for the sake of typing... because truth be told, I'm only blogging because I made a very stupid, very bad, godawful decision. I tried to transfer to an arts degree. Nothing against people taking arts degrees, I'm not one of those pretentious and unwitting spines of future manhattan projects scientific types. But I really don't have the drive to make an arts degree work. So, I think I'm more fucked than the altar serving community. Instead I've decided that now, I've got to write... preferably not the uninspired drivel you've unfortunately waded through to get to this point... or suffer the terrible consequences. I didn't mean to write any of that either when I started by the way, I have a tendency to stupidly play on people's sense of pity... just like the depreciatory self awareness just there. All I ask is to pay it no heed. Your pity is unnecessary and very much unwelcome. Seriously, this is just really sad attention seeking to make up for attention starving, which is honestly healthier.

Goddamnit... I'll never make a career out of junk like this where I breakdown as I write.

*SUPER DUPER SEGUE SEGMENT*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~!!!~~!!! and assorted punctuation nonsense...

Where was I before the nihilistic ravings I use as an emotional crutch? *scrolls up, thanks to the power of technology* Ahh, facebook departure, right-O with a capital 'O'. Well, I was sort of expecting fireworks over my classless succumbing to online insecurity... because I'm wrong like that. But instead I learned that when you close a facebook account, basically you get this giant crowd, complete with the cop who clearly didn't think his job really entailed these alternating praise and reverse psychology through a megaphone, all in the form of people who are 'Going to MISS you'. So here I am, standing on the eleventh storey, chuckling to myself because the megaphone's inaudible up here AND because this is a massive publicity stunt that's got all four of these people to miss me through the power of random number generation. I click the 'Fuck you, facebook friends for never being there' button and it teleports me back to the homepage, with a message saying, 'Okey dokey, your account's DEEEEE-LETED!... if you wanna come back just sign in as normal, all your stuff is there still, ISN'T LIFE FANTASTIC WHEN YOU'VE BEEN BLEACHED WITH FALSE CORPORATE JOY AND LET 'THE MAN'S' VULTURES PECK OUT YOUR EYES AND CLOSE THE DOORWAYS OF SELF AWARENESS?!!?'

Sorry...? Uh... facebook, this is kinda getting weird... So like anyone going cold turkey, I use this as an excuse to immediately sign back in. Voila, all my self absorbed ravings, photos, that note I wrote once to see what it did. They were all still there. The Facebook didn't realise, this is a healing, symbolic, SACRED gesture of temporary self improvement. I need my past discrepancies erased to move on!! Naturally, I get desparate so I start furiously deleting everything on facebook. Don't get me wrong, deleting stuff is the ultimate form of projection, I loved every second of it, but after a 'go to hell, dad!!' for every night I managed to pump out twisted statuses at the same rate a fundamentalist pumps out twisted children, it starts to get tiring. I gave up with a profile with no friends, no pictures, no name, no information and 7924 status updates, none of them 'Coffee was good and I did a framvilles!' at least...

Now, try to put that preaching homeless guy you see on the way to your place of occupation out of your head. Seriously, I know what you associate me with, don't lie.

Good, now you're ready to hear about why facebook wants your self... probably so it can eat humanity and crucify all the Jesuses again. Nonono!! Don't leave!! You've stayed this long, hold out! This is going somewhere!! I said the same about every other empty promise I've made? Yeah, but shut up for a sec, k?

Alright, so we may not agree that JFK was the fourth coming of Christ, but surely you'll agree that facebook's identity theft, if not scary, is just downright wrong.

Sorry, that was my point, I don't have stuff to back it up, because I don't care enough about this crusade for that.

Anyway, that was long, obnoxious, pretentious, snide, vulgar, offensive, distasteful, inciting... but we had fun didn't we? Hello?... Hello?!?