8 DAYS TO GO: ORGANGATE
This is the Minister for Sustainable Population, Tony Burke.
Is that annoying fluffy figure necessary? You'd think the Age would try a little bit harder to not have people standing right in front of the camera. Maybe Michelle Grattan was just really busy that day, and only had time to snap the one with her iphone before a night of radcore clubbing.
Here is the Minister for Sustainable Population, Tony Burke and 1820's Edinburgh serial killer, William Burke:
...
What thePell Burke is going on here?
Could Tony Burke be a of descendant William Burke? No, the murderer died childless, with no relatives left for excruciating TT interviews (or whatever the 1800s equivalent was... similar I guess, but with more swooning and tuberculosis). Could it, as some you will inanely hollar, be a mere coincidence? I scoff at your naivety. LOOK AT THE MOUTHS AND NOSES AND FACE. They're pretty much identical, especially considering that one of the pictures is a crude 19th century wood cut. Imagine if you met your doppelganger, who also happened to have exactly the same surname as you. You'd either be comparing birth certificates or planning some kind of crazy parent trap scenario within five minutes. But Burke and Burke were born 180 years apart, so they couldn't be twins. That only leaves one logical possibility.
THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. That's right. The man responsible for our fisheries is a 218 year-old serial killer, who's been keeping a low profile ever since his supposed execution in 1829. 'How could he possibly live that long?!' you ask, voice whiney and pedantic. You have a point of course, that kind of immortality sounds impossible. You'd need to be, I don't know, constantly surgically replacing your internal organs with fresh ones or something. And it's not like William Burke was the kind of person who went around strangling randoms for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs!
...Oh wait. That was exactly what he did. Burke and his accomplice Hare murdered between seventeen and thirty people to sell their organs and bodies to an overenthusiastic and kind of deranged anatomy lecturer, who used them for disection in his classes. Eventually they were caught and sentenced to hanging (except the lecturer, who was too rich and important for that kind of thing). But Hare's faked his death, and after a lifetime of studying he finally learnt to replace his organs with those of non-consensual donors, guaranteeing effective immortality.
After living a relatively ordinary, if long life all over the globe changing his first name every generation to avoid suspicion, Burke is finally in the position of power he has always insididously craved. To be fair, he'd probably good at it: he's obviously got the "sustainability" thing write, and he's an expert at curbing excess population. Don't be fooled by his affable if tedious appearances Q and A, Burke has a lot more power than he'd like you to believe, with secret influence over most of the government. With a ruthless, unnatural revenant in their Cabinet, Labor's policy leaks from a couple of weeks were more than inevitable. It wouldn't surprise me if Burke, now needing to cut back on the murder to keep a low profile, had set up a black market in the parliament, in which desperate MPs can make Faustian pacts in exchange for political string pulling.
At least that explains Krudd's minor political comeback.
~Damacus
Here is the Minister for Sustainable Population, Tony Burke and 1820's Edinburgh serial killer, William Burke:
...
What the
Could Tony Burke be a of descendant William Burke? No, the murderer died childless, with no relatives left for excruciating TT interviews (or whatever the 1800s equivalent was... similar I guess, but with more swooning and tuberculosis). Could it, as some you will inanely hollar, be a mere coincidence? I scoff at your naivety. LOOK AT THE MOUTHS AND NOSES AND FACE. They're pretty much identical, especially considering that one of the pictures is a crude 19th century wood cut. Imagine if you met your doppelganger, who also happened to have exactly the same surname as you. You'd either be comparing birth certificates or planning some kind of crazy parent trap scenario within five minutes. But Burke and Burke were born 180 years apart, so they couldn't be twins. That only leaves one logical possibility.
THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. That's right. The man responsible for our fisheries is a 218 year-old serial killer, who's been keeping a low profile ever since his supposed execution in 1829. 'How could he possibly live that long?!' you ask, voice whiney and pedantic. You have a point of course, that kind of immortality sounds impossible. You'd need to be, I don't know, constantly surgically replacing your internal organs with fresh ones or something. And it's not like William Burke was the kind of person who went around strangling randoms for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs!
...Oh wait. That was exactly what he did. Burke and his accomplice Hare murdered between seventeen and thirty people to sell their organs and bodies to an overenthusiastic and kind of deranged anatomy lecturer, who used them for disection in his classes. Eventually they were caught and sentenced to hanging (except the lecturer, who was too rich and important for that kind of thing). But Hare's faked his death, and after a lifetime of studying he finally learnt to replace his organs with those of non-consensual donors, guaranteeing effective immortality.
After living a relatively ordinary, if long life all over the globe changing his first name every generation to avoid suspicion, Burke is finally in the position of power he has always insididously craved. To be fair, he'd probably good at it: he's obviously got the "sustainability" thing write, and he's an expert at curbing excess population. Don't be fooled by his affable if tedious appearances Q and A, Burke has a lot more power than he'd like you to believe, with secret influence over most of the government. With a ruthless, unnatural revenant in their Cabinet, Labor's policy leaks from a couple of weeks were more than inevitable. It wouldn't surprise me if Burke, now needing to cut back on the murder to keep a low profile, had set up a black market in the parliament, in which desperate MPs can make Faustian pacts in exchange for political string pulling.
At least that explains Krudd's minor political comeback.
~Damacus
4 comments:
if parliment was like this it would make for one hell of a prime time drama
You should not have posted this Damacus... he will be coming for you now.
MF, I like to imagine that parliament's MORE dramatic!
Renji, I know. This morning I found a human lung nailed to my bedroom door with a sticky note saying "TAKE DOWN THE POST OR DIE! ~TB" written in Mark Latham's blood.
August 14, 2010 5:26 AM
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