HEY THERE my ever-neglected blöglingskind (yes I just made up a German word, they do it all the time) this place is looking barren as a prime ministerial uterus so I thought I'd better post. A few months ago I made a (core) promise that if Tony Abbott becomes Prime Minister, I'd hitch an illegal boat ride and try my luck seeking asylum in Afghanistan. With nine days to go and the polls looking horribly tight, the chances of a honour-bound exile is really starting to worry me. I've started packing, and I'm already in people-smuggling talks with an unemployed Jessica Watson. So basically, if I'm ever to jump on the triannual election bloggin' bandwagon, I better start now.
My aim with these election count down bloglet things is to make them short, amusing and daily. The odds of this actually happening sit somewhere between Matt Preston winning the Tour De France on a unicycle and the Democrats doing quite well in the election. Nevertheless, I shall persevere with my Election Stories Of The Day! ... Or At Least *A* Day, Considering That Most Of Them Will Be Weeks Out Of Date, Or I Don't Know You Could Be In A Different Timezone Or Something.
9 DAYS TO GO: THE GREENSHEVIKS AND THEIR PAGAN WATERMELON MOUSTACHES.
To hook you all in from the start of this little project, I thought I'd begin with an obscure news story that has nothing do with the major parties at all! Cardinal George Pell, the boss of the church in Australia, is in theological terms a bit of a douche. He's not particularly fond of women or divorcees, and threatened to excommunicate any Catholic MP who voted in favour of stem cell research. He's also not a huge fan of environmentalism:
"Some of the hysteric and extreme claims about global warming are also a symptom of pagan emptiness... In the past pagans sacrificed animals and even humans in vain attempts to placate capricious and cruel gods. Today they demand a reduction in carbon dioxide emissions."
...Ok, I admit, I've been saving up that abominable pun for much longer than is socially acceptable.
Anyway, our favourite antediluvian autocrat has once again decided to be politely mindful of that 100-year-old restraining order between church and state with some completely neutral comments about The Greens:
"One wing of the Greens are like watermelons - green outside and red inside - a number were Stalinists supporting Soviet oppression... For those who value our present way of life, the Greens are sweet camouflaged poison."
You may well be asking yourself WTP "Camouflaged Poison" is: does it wear an army print t-shirt, or have some other way of blending into the forest to escape it's predators? Personally I think it sounds like one of Lucrei's band name ideas from Year 9. (...sorry, I couldn't resist). And when will someone make up a menacing name for the Greens other than that watermelon thing, preferably one that isn't named after a delicious fruit?
But I'm glad that the Cardinal has made this announcement to his flock. Otherwise, how else would we know that a progressive environmentalist party of smug hippies and hipster; who's best polls are like Brendan Nelson on a bad day, are actually on the verge of taking over the country and becoming a totalitarian communist dictatorship? I can see it now: compulsory gay marriage and Christine Milne setting up Gulags. A chilling vision of things to come. Literally, I might add; why else would the Greens be so opposed to Global Warming other than a twisted desire to replicate their beloved Soviet climate?
There'll probably be another Cold War as well. Sure, we don't have any nuclear weapons yet, but we have heaps of uranium and I'm sure that guy who looks like Kochie from The New Inventors could whip something up. (It's the ABC. Of course they'd be complicit in a Socialist Regime.) Like the pieces of a carbon-free jigsaw, the diabolical elements are falling into place. First the seat of Melbourne, then the world. If that's not evidence enough to convince you, just look at their latest campaign poster:
~Damacus~
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