Net Nutjobs #1: BREATHARIANS

Hello you pretty pieces of pastry, you're all so lighty flighty flakey I go where the party takes me. Which tends to be blogging at just before dawn! (What do you actually call that? I'm going with 'dawnsk') So why am I a blogg'n, with my toolbox and my stocking? The same reason as normal of course, to keep the terrible silence at bay. But I figure that depressing meta-posts-about-posting are a wee bit overrepresented of late, especially from the me department, so I'm starting up a new segment! Yes I know this is just a blatant rip-off of that obscure segment The Chaser occasionally used as a space filler three years ago, but maybe maybe that means it'll get readers! Is it just me or is anyone else sick of the obligatory "nobody reads this!"every post? I'm by far the worst offender. Gosh I love tangents. And saying words like "gosh". It makes me feel whimsical and scatterbrained when I'm feeling morose and bitter.

Anyway. I have a horrible addiction for hilarious idiocy, zealotry, insanity, odd beliefs and Andrew Bolt. Reading about fundamentalists, the deluded and the stark-raving crazy is quite literally the closest thing I do to regular exercise, minus the health benefits and associated happiness. Much like distressing erotica and an unfulfilling social life, the best place to find lunatics is the internet. I have traversed just a few of it's weary depths. So in this segment I'll be talking about some of my favourite hysterically reality challenged web forums. With no further ado:

~ NET NUTJOBS #1 ~

BRETHARIAN FORUMS

Name: Breatharian.info
Number of members:  315 (High turnover rate due to most members dying after a few weeks.) 
Poster Profile: Crystal collecting, aura-reading, acid-dropping, hyper-spritual gullible folk with very, very, very open minds except in regards to medical science and rudimentary survival. 
Loon-o-meter: 4 and a half Mark David Chapmans

Some of my dear readers might be vegetarian or vegan, dietary lifestyles which can be quite healthily maintained if you put in the effort. The digivolution of the vegan — the fruitarian, can find it a tad harder as they're only allowed to eat things that fall naturally from trees or bushes, and aren't allowed to kill plants. But the Wargraymon of the not-eating-stuff family — the mighty breatharian — takes the whole thing to a wee bit too far by not by not eating at all. That's right, there's such a thing as food skeptics, and the ones that aren't selling exorbitantly priced books or dvds are right here on breatharian.info, which claims to be a forum for Inedia, Breatharianism, non-eating, living on Light. It's the best diet there is.

Sure, you say, but don't you kind of need food and beverages to survive? You poor, brainwashed, nutritionally corrupted conformist. Poster John Mc explains:

How is it that one can survive without food?
The idea here is that we do not now (sic), nor have we ever, "lived"
on so-called "foods." What we truly live on, if anything at all,
is, as of yet, still a Divine Mystery to me.

OF COURSE! Next time your grandma offers you a slice of birthday cake, why not reply: "Thanks but no thanks, I'm sure you put a lot effort into your so-called "food", but what we truly live on is still a Divine Mystery to me". If you've still got a hankering for something other than Divine Mystery, other posters suggest a veritable smorgasboard of nutritional options including air, light, the will to live, 'solar yoga' and urine enemas. Surely these are cheaper than food, but the occasional snack is fine right? WRONG! Because unbeknownst to you until now, food is responsible for approximately 100% of all deaths.

I do see a conspiracy regarding eating. From my studies I have found that eating is main reason we age and die.
There is NO food that is NOT toxic.
This is why you start to heal when you fast. All cells in the body are potentially immortal - they only die when the toxic wastes accumulate within the cell cytoplasm from eating food.
The body can assimilate all it needs from the environment via the skin and lungs after special pysical (sic) training; and new Thinking. Finding out what that involves is part of the journey & creates the New Thinking.
When Adam ate the apple or whatever food it was he started to poison his body and eventually died.
Aging is not normal and eating is not normal and it is only there to control and destroy us.

Thanks Jordan from Canada! But living forever isn't all that not eating for the rest of your life can do for you.

 Unexpected (undesired) first pregnancy is an acute problem for many girls. Often they do go under the surgical knife and end up with infertility. Dry fasting is an alternative to first pregnancy abortion (and a broken life etc). If applied, up to 3 months old embryo gets dissolved during 15-16 days of the fast. (And there is no "christian" etc. sin).

Vitalij

Remember girls, if you're worried about that unwanted pregancy, ceasing all forms of eating and drinking is the easy solution most internet breatharians recommend!

And readers of all persuasion, if you were feeling guilty about the millions of people who die of starvation each year, don't bother sending food or money, that's actually hurting them. If you stumble across a child like the one to the right, tell him to stop whinging about his atrophied stomach, do some "Solar Yoga" and "pysical training", and he'll feel right as rain!

Always remember, give a man to fish and he'll be fed for a day, give a man nothing and he'll live for eternity.

~damacus



PS: If you have 30 seconds, feedback would fill me with joy, ergo breakfast.