The Undead Politician Survival Guide

This election has been dominated by the lumbering corpses of pollies past, irritating those in charge and terrorising the public. It seems like no matter how long they've been retired, fired or politically expired, our ex-leaders and PMs feel the need to get their withered faces on TV every five minutes. One of the main problems is their seeming immortality; Gough Whitlam, at last count, is older than time itself. What we really need is some kind of mandatory dismissal-by-bullet policy, like they have in Argentina. But until then, use this veritable pokédex of undead politicians to help you identify, escape, and maybe even destroy any of these foul demons that cross your path.

5 DAYS TO GO: THE UNDEAD POLITICIAN SURVIVAL GUIDE

The Ghost of Kevin Rudd

"What I'm less proud of is the fact that I have now blubbered."

Danger Level: †††

Weaknesses: Salt, redheads, organ failure.

Weapons: Being a distraction, inspiring sympathy, awkwardly refusing to make eye-contact.

Description: Only recently killed, The Ghost of Kevin Rudd so far appears to be fairly unaggressive, and doesn't make the stupid gaffes or ridiculous stunts of his undead colleagues. Nevertheless, he is still a considerable danger to friend and foe alike. He lingers and haunts like Banquo's spectre, a constant reminder of guilt, a memento of his own foul and unnatural murder. As he roams the sunny shopping centres of Queensland his backstabber watches on nervously, trying to clean the Ruddy red blood out of her hair. Out damn spots indeed.

Count Johncula von Bennelong

"We have a great opportunity to turf out a thoroughly incompetent government."

Danger Level: ††††

Weaknesses: Garlic, A stake in the heart, boatpeople.

Weapons: Blood-sucking, eyebrow-furrowing, the liberal campaign launch.

Description: The Prince Dracula of Australian politics campaigns around the country with demonic fanfare and handfuls of unconsecrated earth in his tracksuit pockets. Though he has left the realm of the living, his three vampiric brides still stalk the halls of parliament: Julie Bishop, Bronwyn Bishop and Tony could-have-been-a-bishop. The last of these is his heir, to whom he has given everything except his habit for wearing clothes in public. Dangerous, and obsessively worshipped by his cold-blooded followers.

Ghoul Keating

"Politics is like going into a dog's den. If you are not ready to behave like a mad dog, get ready to be mauled."

Danger Level: †††††

Weaknesses: Decapitation, hallowed ground, voters.

Weapons: Spits acid, eats human flesh and can boil bone marrow with a sentence.

Description: Ghoul Keating is the traditional lord of the bitter necrotic ex-mps, and has viperously preyed on the living for the last 15 years. This formidable fiend famously described John Howard as an "old coconut  araldited to his seat", Andrew Peacock as "an intellectual rust bucket",  Laurie Oakes as "a cane toad" and Wilson Tuckey as a "stupid foul-mouthed grub." I'm not exactly sure if any of those are untrue, but they're certainly not very nice. This election he's been no quieter than usual, though a little more reserved because of some privacy campaign thing he's got going. Incredibly vicious. DO NOT APPROACH.

Andrew Thriller Peacock

"You'd need to be pretty handicapped not to appreciate that this government is dissolving before your eyes daily."

Danger Level: ††

Weaknesses: Chainsaws, people under 30 having no idea who he is.

Weapons: Super-strength, insulting disabled people.

Description: OK, Andrew Peacock was before my time, but apparently he was the ever-failing opposition leader of the 1980s: sort of the Kim Beazly of the Liberal party. With his recent rise from the grave he seems to pretty much be your typical political zombie, turning up unwanted, saying idiotic things and embarrassing the public and his party. By the way, the Labor candidate for Peacock's old electorate happens to be blind, making the whole "before your eyes" thing extra douche-baggy. Treat with caution.

Bobmez and Blanchticia

"I have always loved getting out and meeting the people and still do." (nudge nudge wink wink) – Bob

"I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers." – Blanche

I'm really happy with my photoshop work on this picture, they genuinely look like terrifying, nightmarish reanimated corpses! ....wait a second....

Danger Level: †††

Weaknesses: Crucifixes, silver bullets, true history.

Weapons: Claws, godawful telemovies, the mental image of them going at it. (OH THE HUMANITY!)

Description: They're altogether ooky, and infest slow news days with the dull, necromantic soapy that is their private life. Prone to viciously mauling former-colleagues and Alzheimers-afflicted ex-wives, this rotting, rampaging Bonnie and Clyde are also known to reduce viewers to twitching, blood-soaked left overs with their excruciating 45 minute interviews.

Now I am Mark, destroyer of worlds

"It's the snake's way. It's unmanly and beneath an Aussie bloke to act this way."

"I haven't been stroked down the front by a woman other than my wife for quite some time actually."

"It's the sad thing about him; he is hyper-sensitive about his morbid obesity."

Danger Level: †††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

Weaknesses: None. No amount of universal dislike or irrelevance can phase him.

Weapons: Breaking arms, handshakes of doom, poisonous tirades, fire breath, "journalism" and being the Hindu goddess of destruction.

Description: The most indisputably diabolical election revenant of 2010 is Mark "Kali" Latham, who doesn't discriminate between parties, the press and the public in his vaguely pathetic but soulrendingly vitriolic attacks. From accusing Julia Gillard of sexually harassing him to telling the people of Australia to donkey-vote, Latham's deranged, beyond-the-grave rampage rains down upon the just and unjust alike. Ever wrathful, ever hungry, he consumes all he sees, like a yawning abyss of political irrelevancy. Fear him, fear his alter of blood, and fear his shitty 60 minute specials.

~Damacus